Episode: 814- Riding with Death

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(Bridge of the SOL, Mike and Tom playing with flash cards)

(Crow enters, wearing a uniform emblazoned with the letters TVGM, a cape and a mask )

Crow: DA-DA-DAAAH! It is I, Turkey Volume Guessing Man! Let me explain...All this talk of turkeys in today's movie lead me to realize the true nature of my super power and hence am I now revealed as Turkey Volume Guessing Man!

Mike: So you can guess the volume of any turkey?

Crow: No!

Tom: You're able to deliver a whole lot of guesses about turkeys thereby achieving certain economies of ...?

Crow: No!

Mike: Uuh, you help turkeys out by guessing the volume of their pens?

Crow: No!

Tom: Aah! You guess how high the volume on a stereo would have to be before it annoyed the average turkey?

Crow: No!

Mike (exasperated): Would you just tell us what you do, please?

Crow: Mike! Would you agree that for any given space it would take a certain number of turkeys to fill it up? In other words, that the volume of any space might be expressed in terms of turkeys?

Mike: Yes.

Crow: Well, behold, for that is my power. I can guess the number of turkeys it would take to fill any given space, for I am Turkey Volume Guessing Man!

Tom: And this is useful because...?

Crow: Sadly, it is not useful at all. And so my powers isolate me and I am a puzzle to the ordinary run of man, although women are drawn to me for my powers are fascinating. And yet there is no woman who can hold me, for always am I confronted by spaces of various sizes and I must guess the number of turkeys it would take to fill them, for I am Turkey Volume Guessing Man!

Mike: And nobody else can do this?

Crow: Well, try it.

Mike: OK, this space here (indicates bridge) from window to window, the door, OK, 11,550 turkeys.

Crow (surprised, deflated): That's right!

Tom: Mike!

Mike: Really?

Crow (angry): You would do this, Mike! You know, I tell you I'm Turkey Volume Guessing Man, and you just saunter off and guess how many turkeys it takes to fill this space.

Tom: Oh, boy.

Crow (in tears): Well, bite me, OK, Mike!

Mike: It was just a lucky guess, Crow.

Crow: Something special about Crow? Well, here's Mike to spit up all over it. I'm just sick of it, Mike. I can't even switch to chicken volume guessing 'cause it just doesn't work. I hate you, Mike!

Mike: Come on...

Crow: I hate you! I don't want to talk to you again!

Mike: Come on, Crow, I didn't mean it. Hey, come on, let's get some lunch, huh? Come on.

Crow (sniffling): I guess...

Mike: (reaches under bridge console, pulls out a plate of sandwiches) Hey, uhh, I got some turkey.

Crow: Oh, great, I...hey! (All laugh good naturedly) Aah, well, thanks for breaking me out of my funk, Mike. I've learned a valuable lesson that I shouldn't take turkey volume guessing so seriously.

Mike: No sir! (commercial sign starts flashing) We'll be right back.

Crow: In fact, just because you can guess turkey volume doesn't mean I can't go ahead and guess turkey volume, too.

Tom: Ha ha, sure it doesn't. We'll be right back.

Crow: In fact, we can be partners. We are Turkey Volume Guessing Men! Off! (Crow exits)

Mike: We'll be right back. (To Servo) Sad little man.