Song: PATRICK SWAYZE CHRISTMAS Episode: 321- Santa Claus Conquers The Martians Joel: I think it's kind of hot to be wearing these scarves in here. Tom: Oh, yeah. Crow: Well, scarves are a must. You can't go caroling without a scarf. Catch your death! Joel: Man, you were like one of those kids I remember in high school that used to sell the most candybars for the marching band. Tom: Yeah, and you'd be president of the Swing Choir, too. Crow: Ha ha! Ah, thanks, Joel Robinson. Thanks, Tom Servo. Tom: What a kiss-up, this guy. Crow: Okay, now if you'll all look at your sheet music, uh, we can rehearse my new song. Joel: You wrote a Christmas song? Crow: Hey, there's no tradition like a new tradition! Ha ha ha! Tom (reads sheet music): Um, wait a minute. "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas?" Crow: Oh, yeah, yeah. Based on my favorite movie, “Roadhouse.” Tom: C'mon, what the heck does PATRICK SWAYZE have to do with CHRISTMAS? Crow: Hey you keep Christmas in your way, and let me keep it in mine, ok? Tom: Oh, jeeessz! Joel: Hey, cmon, Tom Servo, it seems like a nice enough sentiment and we can give it a shot. C'mon. Crow: All right. Okay. Okay. Uh, 12/8 time, uh, key of A-flat major! Tom: Oh, good! Crow: Uh, cambot, shoot 'em the tune. Uh, okay, you'll just have to stay with me, everybody, okay? Your part's written out. Let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, by Crow T. Robot. Joel (reading music sheet, as Letterman): "Paul, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"? Crow: Right. Hit it, Cambot! Tom: Oh! Oh, I start. I get it. Hmm. Crow: I'm sorry. Tom: Pick it up. (singing) Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in. Crow: We'll gather at the Roadhouse with our next of kin. Joel: And Santa can be our regular Saturday night thing. Bots: We'll decorate a barstool and gather round and sing. Tom: Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year! Crow: Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear! Joel (interrupting): Hold it, hold it a sec. Cambot, stop the music. Uh, Crow, I don't know if I think this is an appropriate sentiment anymore for Christmas. Crow: Hey, what? Like a good action sequence don't belong in Christmas? Joel: Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action sequence in a Christmas carol before. Tom: Yeah! Crow: Well, then grab hold o' your socks, Joel Robinson, and read on! Tom: Okay, pick it up from measure 20, Cambot. (music)...Lovely intro, though. Very tasteful. Crow: Thank you. Tom: I like that. (singing) It's my way or the highway, this Christmas at my ba-ha-haar. Crow: I'll have to smash your kneecaps if you bastards touch my car! Joel: I got the word that Santa has been stealing from the till. Bots: I think that that right jolly old elf had better make out his will ohh! All: Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas, one and all. And this can be the haziest...this can be the laziest... This can be the Swayziest Christmas of them AAALLLLLLLLLL!" Tom: La la la laa ha HAAA! Crow: How long before it becomes a standard? Joel: I think you gotta come with me. C'mon. (Grabs Crow and exits.) Crow: Waaaaah! Tom: We'll be right back. Save a leg for me! Heh heh heh! .