Satellite News -- Ward E -- Song910

Song: "Oh I Wish I Was Back In Old Canada."

Episode: 910- The Final Sacrifice

Transcribed by Nicholas and Phillip Killewald
with an assist from Jason Bacon, and


Mike (telling a joke): ...and the drunk guy says, "I can't help being an idiot, I'm Canadian!"
Crow (Laughs): You're right, they're so pathetic, Mike!

(Whistle blows, Tom comes in wearing Mountie uniform)

Tom: Enough! There's been too much Canada-bashing for far too long! I say: no more!
Mike: Don't you mean: "No more, eh"?
Crow (Laughs): Good one, man! They are SO stupid!
Tom: Stop it now! Instead, let us offer our Northern brothers and sisters this song of tribute!

(Music starts)

Oh, I wish I was back in old Canada,
A land which I never shall lampoon!
How I pine for the ice covering Lake Manitoba,
And the beauty that is Saskatoon!

Mike (spoken): I got one.

Oh, I wish I was stuck in the hills of Alberta,
Drinking beer with some big dumb guy trapping fur!

Tom (spoken): Hey!

Mike (singing):
As he scraped and chiseled all the moose dung off his boots,
I would learn that he's the Prime Minister!

Tom (spoken): Oh, stop that!

Crow (singing):
Oh, I wish I was in the land gave us Peter Jennings,
Alanis Morissette, Mike Myers, too!

Tom (spoken): Yeah!

Crow (singing):
No, I take that back, I wouldn't go there even if you paid me,
Oh, Canada, you are a place I must eschew!

Tom (spoken): Now, this is NOT in the spirit I intended!
Mike: Oh, come on, give in! I mean, after all, they gave us Ed the Sock and Rush!
Crow: Yeah, what are you defending? They're such feebs!
Tom: Okay, I'll try!
Mike: All right! Good man!
Tom (singing):
Oh, I wish I was blowing up Prince Edward Island,
And going on to bomb Ontario!
The destruction of Canada and all of its culture,
Is by far my fav-o-rite scenario!

Mike (spoken): Okay, that's a little strong...
Tom (interrupting, spoken): No, no, you were right, Mike, this is much more fun!


Just where the hell does Canada get off sharing a border
With countries far superior to it?

Crow (spoken): Yikes!

Tom (singing):
Why, you lousy, stinking, francophonic, bacon-loving bastards,
Your country's just a giant piece of sh...(Mike leaps on Tom and covers his mouth with his hand, while he and Crow shout "Hey! Whoa! Whoa!")

Mike (spoken): I think that's enough. I think we've... Cambot, (Music stops) okay, thanks. All right.
Tom (sobbing): I'm sorry! I have no sense of proportion! I'm a disgrace to my uniform!
Mike: No, no, that's okay, calm down. Mustn't hate! Mustn't hate!
Crow: At least so overtly.
Mike: Exactly, right. Must disguise our hate, just a little. (Commercial sign light goes on) Okay, we'll be right back. (To Tom) It's okay, now, Dudley.
Tom (still sobbing): Pardonez moi! Pardonez moi!