Bit: The Bots Question the Ending
Episode: 1001- Soultaker
Transcribed by Mela Nazelrod (with
corrections by Jeffrey
[In the theater]
(Over the movie credits and its 80s
Tom: (sarcastically): So, Poodle-hair and Rubber-lips
drive off into the sunset, and it's sunshine and roses ever
Mike: You seem
Tom: Yeah, Mike,
I am dubious. I'm dubious. My guess is that, on the way
home, Scrawny-Boy there leans over to rub his Carnuba-waxed
lips on his little honey and ends up ditching that sweet
ride of his. Crow, you with me on this?
Crow: Oh, no
doubt. Things don't go near as smoothly as Mike would like
us to think.
nervously): Hey, wait, I
Crow (cutting him
off): No, Mike's
living in a fool's paradise.
Crow: No happy
endings for our heroes.
Teen-Boy puts his ride in the ditch there, he needs extra
money to pay the insurance costs, and to buy a new disc
sander, and a couple gallons of Bondo, so he takes a second
job at Carl's Jr.
Tom: Yup, yup,
and about a week into his new job, he comes to pick her up
in his busted car wearing a big orange hat and smelling of
frying medium, and she cools on the whole relationship
Crow: Only it
drags out painfully for about another month because she
doesn't have the guts to tell the second-rate Matt Lattanzi
to take the train.
and finally she gives him the news in the drive-up intercom
that she justs wants to be friends. And when the whole
restaurant is finally done laughing at the poor clod, he
walks off the job and drives straight to the municipal
liquor store to pick up a quart of lemon-flavored gin and a
six-pack of red Grape Malt Duck.
Crow: Uh, hang
on, you know Mike might think that *was* the happy
Mike: So you guys
really think I'm a naive Pollyanna, don't you?
Uh.......yes, we do.
Tom: Hang on,
there's more, Mr. Rose-Colored Glasses. So he drinks his way
through the whole paper bag, drives about 75 yards, and
crashes into a pole.
Crow: Well, the
car hangs on to the base of the lightpost, so he can't get
outta there. He thumbs a ride back to his house, but the
police arrive about 45 minutes later, wake him up, and give
him the Breathalyzer.
Tom: He blows a
1.3, so it's off to the Crowbar Motel for Mike's little
Crow: Well, of
course he calls his former girlfriend to come pick him up,
but Mom answers the phone and hangs up on him.
Tom: His one call
spent, he spends the night in the place with the striped
sunlight courtesy of the county.
Crow: Soon, he's
straining rubbing alcohol through pieces of burnt toast he
found out behind Zelda's Diner.
Mike: Now, hang
on, wait a minute. I think that's a touch bleak.
Crow: Well, you
know maybe you're right, Mike. Maybe they have a wondrous
frilly wedding in the froufrou land of bunnies where magical
fairies blow kisses to the stars and polka-dotted toadstools
sing "Good Ship Lollipop" to the tiny mice in their little
Mike: Okay, and
there's nothing in between. It's either grain alcohol in
back allies or a happy world of rodents and feetie
Crow: I mean, why
is that so hard to accept?
Mike: You know,
you guys need help, you really do. (Gets up to leave, taking
Crow: What's with
alcohol through toast....(exit theater)