Bit: The Bots Question the Ending

Episode: 1001- Soultaker

Transcribed by Mela Nazelrod (with corrections by Jeffrey Quisenberry)

[In the theater]

(Over the movie credits and its 80s hair-band ballad.)

Tom: (sarcastically): So, Poodle-hair and Rubber-lips drive off into the sunset, and it's sunshine and roses ever after?
Mike: You seem dubious.
Tom: Yeah, Mike, I am dubious. I'm dubious. My guess is that, on the way home, Scrawny-Boy there leans over to rub his Carnuba-waxed lips on his little honey and ends up ditching that sweet ride of his. Crow, you with me on this?
Crow: Oh, no doubt. Things don't go near as smoothly as Mike would like us to think.
Mike (giggling nervously): Hey, wait, I didn't--
Crow (cutting him off): No, Mike's living in a fool's paradise.
Tom: Dreamer.
Crow: No happy endings for our heroes.
Tom: Nope.
Crow: After Teen-Boy puts his ride in the ditch there, he needs extra money to pay the insurance costs, and to buy a new disc sander, and a couple gallons of Bondo, so he takes a second job at Carl's Jr.
Tom: Yup, yup, and about a week into his new job, he comes to pick her up in his busted car wearing a big orange hat and smelling of frying medium, and she cools on the whole relationship immediately.
Crow: Only it drags out painfully for about another month because she doesn't have the guts to tell the second-rate Matt Lattanzi to take the train.
Tom: Yupyupyup, and finally she gives him the news in the drive-up intercom that she justs wants to be friends. And when the whole restaurant is finally done laughing at the poor clod, he walks off the job and drives straight to the municipal liquor store to pick up a quart of lemon-flavored gin and a six-pack of red Grape Malt Duck.
Crow: Uh, hang on, you know Mike might think that *was* the happy ending.
Mike: So you guys really think I'm a naive Pollyanna, don't you?
Crow: Uh.......yes, we do.
Tom: Hang on, there's more, Mr. Rose-Colored Glasses. So he drinks his way through the whole paper bag, drives about 75 yards, and crashes into a pole.
Crow: Well, the car hangs on to the base of the lightpost, so he can't get outta there. He thumbs a ride back to his house, but the police arrive about 45 minutes later, wake him up, and give him the Breathalyzer.
Tom: He blows a 1.3, so it's off to the Crowbar Motel for Mike's little pal.
Crow: Well, of course he calls his former girlfriend to come pick him up, but Mom answers the phone and hangs up on him.
Tom: His one call spent, he spends the night in the place with the striped sunlight courtesy of the county.
Crow: Soon, he's straining rubbing alcohol through pieces of burnt toast he found out behind Zelda's Diner.
Mike: Now, hang on, wait a minute. I think that's a touch bleak.
Crow: Well, you know maybe you're right, Mike. Maybe they have a wondrous frilly wedding in the froufrou land of bunnies where magical fairies blow kisses to the stars and polka-dotted toadstools sing "Good Ship Lollipop" to the tiny mice in their little feetie pajamas.
Mike: Okay, and there's nothing in between. It's either grain alcohol in back allies or a happy world of rodents and feetie pajamas.
Tom: Yes.
Crow: I mean, why is that so hard to accept?
Mike: You know, you guys need help, you really do. (Gets up to leave, taking Tom)
Crow: What's with Mike?
Mike: Grain alcohol through toast....(exit theater)