Bit: Pearl Seeks Certification

Episode: 1002- Girl in Gold Boots

Transcribed by Craig Cash

[SOL]

(M&TB are at the desk. Servo is wearing a bracelet similar to the "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelets, while Crow wears a really big one with a whole lot of W's and other letters.)

Tom: So, anyway, that's what Jerry Jeff Walker would do!
Mike: He sounds like a man of great character! Crow, what's the bracelet with all the W's stand for?
Crow: Oh, uh, this stands for the "What would the World Wide Wrestling Federation, Woodrow Wilson, Wet Willie, Wesley Willis, Wade Wilson, William Wyler, Wendy Waserstein, Walt Whitman, Willy Wonka, Wim Wender..."
Mike: Okay, alright, okay, can it! Pearl's calling!
Crow: "...do?"

[Castle Forrester]

(There's sciencey equipment all over the place, and Pearl is in the back giving Bobo electric shocks.)

Bobo: No, no lawgiver, please, I...(Gets shocked)...Whoo, ho, boy, that is most unpleasant! (Gets shocked again. Pearl comes up to the front of the castle.)
Pearl: So, Nelson, once I'm finished with you, I'll return to the Institute with proof--PROOF!--that it was they were mad! Mad for not seeing the potential behind my grrrrandest experiment! (laughs.)

[SOL]

Tom: Pearl? What the Samuel Langhorn HELL are you talking about?!

[Castle Forrester]

Pearl: What am I talking about? Why, nothing less than world domination! (Mad Scientist enters)
Mad Scientist: Okay Pearl, I think I've got a pretty good idea of what you're capable of, I'm just gonna make some notes.
Pearl: Okay, great, um, take any space you need!
Mad Scientist: Thank you! (Walks away)
Pearl: (Smiles at the Mad Scientist for a second, then continues talking to M&TB) Hey, morons, sorry about all that, I gotta get board certified with the Institute of Mad Scientists! I didn't know it, but it's illegal to rule the world if you're not board certified! (Yelling elsewhere) Brain Guy!
Observer: Yes, Madam?
Pearl: I want to give you a hump!
Observer: (Completely misunderstanding the statement) Well, look, whatever your feelings are for me, I feel they should be put aside...
Pearl: On your back, idiot!
Observer: Why that's sexual harassment, and I don't have to take...
Pearl: A latex hump!
Observer: (Really peeved) NOW SEE HERE!
Pearl: Just put this on! (Throws fake hump at Observer. Mad Scientist walks into foreground)
Mad Scientist: Okay, well, why don't you show me how you plan to take over the world and I'll throw in if I have any questions.
Pearl: Okay, um, super! Uh, I'll just call my subjects! (Pulls out microphone-type thing. As she continues to talk, her voice is layered several times over, and she speaks with much nervousness) Nelson?

[SOL]

Pearl's voice: Prepare to be tortured by my maddest creation yet! (laughs weakly) Your movie has wrenched from, uh, wrenched from Hell itself, it's called "Girl in Gold Boots!"
Mike: (calmly) Okay, then, Pearl!

[Castle Forrester]

Pearl: (Not talking into microphone) I am trying to get accredited! Could you please help me out here! (Talking into microphone again) Yes, the mephitic "Girl in Gold Boots!"

[SOL]

(Crow has no pupils showing, tom is jumping around with no bubble, making Daffy Duck-like "Whoo-hoo" noises, and Mike is trying to hang himself.)

Crow: MADNESS! AHHHHH! AHHHH! AAAAAH! IT'S MADNESS! IT'S MADNESS! IT'S MADNESS! IT'S, IT'S, AHHHHHHHHH!

[Castle Forrester]

(Observer, with hump on, gives Pearl the movie. Pearl hits him over the head with it several times, and, after Pearl administers Bobo's requested electrical shock, continues hitting him.)

[SOL]

(Mike appears to have hung himself, and servo, still with no bubble, is making Chicken noises)

Crow: (To Mike) Will you cut it out?!
Mike: Sorry! (Movie sign) Oh, MOVIE SIGN! (Slips out of noose)

(Cut)

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