Satellite News -- Ward E -- Bit1004a

Bit: How Many Times a Woman?

Episode 1004- Future War

Transcribed by Chris Franzino


(Gypsy, Tom, and Mike are gathered around a computer as they watch Crow type.)
Crow: (typing) Okay, 26 columns, enter...
Mike: Hi, everyone. Welcome to the SOL. Uh, lately, Gypsy's been wondering if she's once, uh twice, maybe even three times a lady.
Gypsy: As a woman, I'm naturally curious!
Mike: Right. So Crow here came up with a spreadsheet program that will answer that very question.
Crow: Okay, uh, using centered Diane Feinstein as a baseline...
Tom: Since she is exactly one time a lady.
Crow: Right. We enter Gypsy there... and... the answer is, you're 2.7 times a lady.
Gypsy: Aww!
Crow: Oh no, that's not bad! Sure, Winona is 3.3 times a lady.
Tom: Woo-hoo!
Crow: But Nina Totenberg is only 2 and a half!
Tom: Yup.
Crow: And Melissa Ethridge is... well,... pretty low. Gillian Anderson herself is only a 2.9!
Gypsy: Wow!
Crow: Yes say, look at this... It says that Mike here is eight times a lady!
Tom: Wow!
Mike: What? What am I even doing in there?!
Tom: Wow!
Crow: Let me take a look at you there, Mike. Ooh, yeah. I see it. I see it.
Mike: Cut it out. We'll be right back. I'm no times a lady!
Tom: Hey, what are you doing with your fine self on Saturday?
Mike: I am not a lady. Not at all. Not even a little.


(Crow, Mike, and Tom are standing behind the counter.)

Tom: Mike, relax. Even being a hundred times a lady isn't a bad thing!
Crow: You should know, you big woman.
Tom: What's that supposed to mean, you giant lady?
Crow: Why, I oughtta...

[transcription ends here]