Bit: To Riff or Not to Riff

Episode: 1009- Hamlet

Transcribed by

[The Theater]

(During the movie, Hamlet begins to tramp his way through the most famous speech in literature.)

Hamlet: To be or not to be...
Mike: The literary equivalent of "da da da DUM!" (Beethoven's 5th)
Hamlet: That is the question.
Crow: I'll take "To Be" for fifty, Alex.
Hamlet: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...
Tom: Starring Shelly Long and Bette Midler.
Hamlet: Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them.
Mike: "Ow, my shin's right on the edge of a stair.."
Hamlet: To die... To sleep...
Crow: That's what we're doing right now, bub.
Hamlet: No more. And by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to.
Mike: Okay, we need a predicate now.
Hamlet: 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.
Crow: Especially with Ophelia, man!
Hamlet: To die... To sleep...
Crow: Whoa! That's an old chestnut.
Hamlet: [Whispering] To sleep...
Tom: [Whispering] To sleeeeep!
Hamlet: Perchance to DREAM!
Crow: The impossible DREAM!
Hamlet: Ay! There's the rub!
Mike: I knew I had some rub left.
Hamlet: For in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil. There's the respect that makes calamity of such long life. For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, the oppressor's wrongs, the proud man's contumely...(Mike begins nodding head along with the list)...The pangs of despised love, the law's delay... The insolence of office and the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes, when he himself his quietus make with a bare bodkin?
Crow: He said bare bodkin! (Mike and Tom giggle.)
Hamlet: Who would fardels bear-
Mike: Fardels.
Hamlet: to grunt and sweat under a weary life, but that the dread of something after death, The undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveller returns, puzzles the will and makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others-
Tom: SUM UP!
Hamlet: that we know not of? thus conscience does make cowards of us all; and thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, and enterprises of great pith and moment with this regard their currents turn awry, and lose the name of... action.
Mike: So--"I'm a chicken for not stabbing myself," that's all you needed to say!