Bit: Annual Safety Check Time/Forrester Fair

Episode 1012- Squirm

Transcribed by


(Crow and Servo are looking over various pieces of safety equipment. They both have on hard hats and are humming cheerfully. Mike walks in with a clipboard and pen.)

Mike (to Cambot): Hi, folks! Mike Nelson here. Crow and Servo are about to help me with the annual Satellite of Love safety check. You guys ready?
Crow: Roger!
Tom: Ramjet!
Mike: All right. (looks at clipboard) Uh, fire extinguishers.
Tom: Empty.
Crow: Shot 'em off in your face. Next!
Mike (checking off in clipboard): Ok. Uh, flare guns.
Tom: Ibid.
Crow: Shot 'em off in your face. Next.
Mike (checking off in clipboard): Right. Uh, first aid kit?
Tom: Uh, used it to treat your flare burns. (laughs)
Mike (checking off in clipboard): Right. Uh, parachutes.
Crow: Gym class.
Mike (checking off in clipboard): Ok, life vests?
Tom: Falsies.
Mike (checking off in clipboard): Ham radio?
Crow: Mistook it for an actual ham. (Tom makes yummy noise.)
Mike (checking off in clipboard): There! The Satellite of Love is completely unsafe. Hey, does anything work at all?
Tom: Yeah, the toaster oven. We used it to bake the ham radio.
Crow: Mmm!
Mike (picking up the toaster oven): Oh, uh, well then, uh, we're dead. (to camera) We'll be right dead.
Crow (excitedly): C'mon Mike, we're gonna go stick our heads in the towel dispenser!
Tom: Whee! (They leave, laughing. Mike nods and laughs with them.)



Mike (with clipboard): The list of emergency numbers by the phone...
Crow: We threw it out and replaced it with a "Jeff Foxworthy Joke Book".
Mike (checking off in clipboard): Ah! Good work. (light flashes)
Tom: Whoa.
Mike: Oh! Yes, Pearl-ay-vous? (They all laugh, French-like.)

[Castle Forrester]

Pearl (pointing thumb at herself): I do the cute names around here, Nel...sssssuuuunn. Well, anyway, you can't bother me today (Brain Guy walks up beside her) because I'm very happy.
Observer: (nudges Pearl, whispers): Pearl(whisper whisper) happy...(whisper whisper)
Pearl (turning to camera with a fake smile, in chipper voice): Anyway, you can't bother me today because I'm very happy! (Brain Guy winces and makes a motion to Pearl to tone it down.) It's time for out first annual Castle Forrester Fair! (Silence. Pearl elbows Brain Guy.)
Observer: (startled): Oh! Uh, yay!
Pearl: Here's the plan. (She ticks off the list with her fingers) First, we take over the local fair, then the county fair, then the state fair, then the world's fair, and then the universe fair! (She and Brain Guy laugh maniacally.) And it starts so simply! A couple of crappy rides, livestock...(Brain Guy holds up a finger and goes offscreen)...corn dogs, butter sculptures....
Observer: (placing a cardboard cut-out of Ben Murphy next to Pearl): Out grand-stand act is this authentic cardboard replica of Mr. Ben Murphy himself!
Pearl: And folks send cooking contests up the wazoo! For instance (she holds up a giant jar of pickles) I put up a couple of pickles, here, try one! (She shoves a pickle into Brain Guy's mouth.) It's an old family recipe using cucumbers and Windex. (Brain Guy collapses.) What do you guys got for "the fair"?


Mike (startled, looks around): Oh, uh, (holds up his pen, then puts it down) no, uh...hey guys, do you have anything for this (he gestures wildly) project thing, whatever... (Crow and Servo lead a giant pig into the satellite.)
Tom: C'mon Winston, c'mon...this is your big moment...good boy, good boy!
Crow: There you go, Winston, c'mon, let's go, that's it, yeah, good boy!
Mike: Uh, guys, you have a...giant pig.
Crow: Oh, you bet. Winston here tips the scales at 5,743 pounds. Raised him from a little 8-pound cutie!
Tom: He's a cinch to win the blue ribbon, heh-heh, aren't ya, boy?
Mike: Uh, well, what do you feed him?
Tom: Aah, silage.
Mike: We have a silo? (Winston grunts.)
Crow: You're not very observant, are you, Mike?
Tom (petting Winston): Ooh, yes, such a good boy...

[Castle Forrester]

Pearl (with a red "JUDGE" ribbon and a blue "1st PLACE" ribbon on): Giant pig, huh? Mmmm, no, the judge says my pickles win. (She takes off the "JUDGE" ribbon. Brain Guy gets up, clutching his throat and gagging. Pearl walks over to Bobo's "APE HAIR" stand.) Let's visit one of our many concession stands here at "the fair"! (to Bobo) One, please!
Bobo: Comin' right up! (he hands Pearl a box of ape hair morsels.)
Pearl: "Ape Hair"? That's an imaginative name! (She shoves a hairy morsel into Brain Guy's mouth, who moans in disgust.) That's another wonderful thing about these fairs, delicious snacks with funny names, like "Dippendods", and "Pronto-Pups", and "Elephant Ears"... (Bobo chuckles), what's "Ape Hair"?
Bobo: Well, ya see, I just rip off a big chunk of my hair (he does so) dip it in batter, and then I fry it! (He places the hair on a fry-daddy.) (Brain Guy gasps and keels over.)
Pearl (setting down the box of ape treats): Mmm, come to the fair! (She holds up a movie reel with the word "Squirm" on it) Today in the loser pavilion, we're showing a horrible killer worm movie called "Squirm".
Bobo: Oh!
Pearl (holding up another movie reel with the words "A Case of Spring Fever" on it): But first, a short made in the 1700s about the importance of springs. Come to the fair! (Bobo waves, holding up some batter-dipped ape hair.)


(Crow and Tom are petting Winston and cooing.)

Mike: Well, where do you even keep him?
Tom (matter-of-factly): Aah, on the feed lot. He was our biggest.
Crow: Yeah.
Mike (surprised): Wait, we have a feed lot?!
Crow (annoyed): Do you even live here?
Mike: I thought I did, I (warning signs and klaxons flash)...oh, we got movie sign, get that pig outta here! (he leaves; (Winston squeals in panic as Crow and Tom slowly guide him out....)

[movie sign]