Satellite News -- Ward E -- Bit1013b

Bit: Re-entry

Episode 1013- Diabolik

Transcribed by Dan Newton

(with an assist by


(Bridge. Mike and Tom are guiding the SOL in for a landing. Tom is gripping a steering wheel. Alarms sound.)

Mike (calmly): Tom, what's our situation?
Tom: Beginning re-entry, Mike.
Mike: Good. (Loud explosion. Ship rocks violently.)
Tom: Ohhh! Total heat shield failure, Mike! (Ship begins rocking.)
Mike (scared): Ahh, bad! What's going on?
Tom (excitedly): Deck 3 broken away! (explosion) Deck 4 broken away! (explosion)
Mike (panicked): Oh my gosh! Cambot, get me Rocket #9!
Tom: Whoa Nellie!

[Rocket #9]

(SOL is hurtling to Earth in a power dive. Sections are falling off.)
Tom (voice over): Deck 5 broken away!


Tom: Deck 6 broken away! (explosion) Deck 7, melting, and broken away! (explosion)
Mike: Gypsy, what do we do? (Gypsy enters.)
Gypsy: We burn up horribly! It's too dreadful to contemplate! Oh my God in Heaven, please have mercy on our souls!
Mike: I'll call Pearl! (Smoke starts billowing in.)
Tom: Uh-oh! Toxic gas filling our lungs and our nasal passages!
Mike (Completely obliterated by smoke): Pearl!


(The castle is empty. There is a lonely lightbulb hanging from the ceiling. Pearl, Observer and Bobo are at the back, huddled together.)
Pearl: Now sing, dammit, sing! (They begin shuffling stage left, singing "It's A Long Way To Tipperary." They stop. Pearl walks up to the camera. Bobo and Observer flee.)
Pearl: Look Nelson, move on. (She picks up a cable.) I am. (She disconnects the cable. Screen goes black.)


(Smoke and confusion. Tom is still at the wheel. Mike looks about in blind panic.)
Tom: (explosion) Whoa! Deck 9 crashing into Decks 10 and 11. (numerous explosions)
Gypsy (hysterical): This is it! We're going down!
Tom (hysterical): Brace for impact!
Mike (hysterical): We're all gonna die! (Crow appears in front of the bridge, wearing a sweater.)

Crow (hysterical): Mike, have you seen my other sweater? (All scream, as more smoke covers the screen. Sound of loud crash, then soft, gentle piano music.)

[Mike's apartment]

(Tom is on the couch, reading a prospectus from ConGypsCo, with Crow, who is watching TV. Mike is in the background, cooking in the kitchen.)
Tom (chuckling): Boy oh boy, this ConGypsCo stock is up! I mean, way up!
Mike (from kitchen): Well, Gypsy did wanna let us in on her public offering, but we said no.
Crow: Well, if you remember, I made a fart noise. She only took it as a no.
Mike (Walking from the kitchen, with a very large bowl of rice.): Well still, it all worked out. I mean, we were very fortunate to walk away from that crash.
Tom: I'll say!
Crow: Oh yeah.
Mike: And, I guess if we were all multi-billionaires, you guys wouldn't have moved in with me.
Crow: True.
Tom: Yeah, that's right. Sweet garden level living; one bedroom, one half bath, and on the bus lines!
Crow: Suh-weet! (Tom chuckles)
Mike: Hey, who's for rice?
Crow (annoyed): Would you sit down, the movie's about to start!
Tom: C'mere dummy! (Mike moves around and sits between them on the couch.)
TV Announcer: WTMJ-TV in Milwaukee presents our Saturday Afternoon Movie, The Crawling Eye. (Camera shot from behind the couch. M&TB are watching the TV. They begin riffing.)
Tom: "The Crawling Eye: The Marty Feldman Story"!
Mike: Oh. Forest Tucker. He's the guy that makes sure the tree's shirt tails are in.
Tom: Oh.
Crow: This movie looks kinda...familiar, doesn't it?
Tom: Hmm...