Bit: Selective Gravity

Episode: 201- Rocketship X-M

Transcribed by


Joel (in teacher mode): Did I or did I not address the topic of selective gravity, Mr. Crow?
Crow: Uh...uh...well, we did global...and...uh... (he whispers to Tom) what's the other thing? I don't...
Tom: Shh! Shh!
Joel: Mr. Crow, please pay attention. This is for your benefit.
Crow: Yes sir, sorry.
Joel: Alright. Now, selective gravity is the ease of which fishing line...
Tom (interrupting): Or...or wire, sir?
Joel: ...or wire, can be attached to an object to make it float.
Crow: Oh! Like a biscuit.
Joel: Uh, we'll get to that. Anyway, the object you're going to be floating, has to have a high degree for humor, or "levity." Just a little joke for the TAs, there. Now I'm going to be floating some objects here.
Crow: Uh, with wire?
Joel: ...with wire, and you're going to tell me if they're funny or not. Alright, first we start off with a coat. (A coat raises in the air, with obvious string attached) Funny or not funny?
Tom: Uh, funny?
Joel: Right. Funny. Next. Cambot, bring it over to the right here a little bit. A wrench: funny or not funny?
Tom: Uh, I'd say funny.
Joel: Right. Funny. Finally: a harmonica: (Joel plays some notes on it before it raises) funny or not funny?
Crow: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, (raises hand)...
Joel: Ok, Crow...
Crow: Oh, oh, oh-
Joel: Crow.
Crow: forgot the question.
Joel: Funny or not funny?
Crow: Uh, funny.
Joel: Are you sure?
Crow: No-Not funny.
Joel: It WAS funny. Stick to your guns, Crow. Now, I'm going to be showing you some flash cards. You'll be awarded 20 points, for every correct flash card. These are objects that are funny or not funny when they're floating. Alright. Start things off: Sand. (Holds up card.)
Tom: Uh, not funny.
Joel: Right. Ok, orange juice: funny or not funny?
Crow: Uh, funny?
Joel: Right. Next: a baseball.
Tom: Uh, funny.
Joel: Wrong. Not funny. Alright, a woodchuck. Funny or not funny floating?
Crow: Funny.
Joel: EXTREMELY funny. Next. Funny or not funny floating...Sally Field?
Tom: Uh. not funny.
Joel: Right. Next. Funny or not funny floating...Sebastian Cabot?
Crow: FUN-NY!
Joel: Right, extremely funny, but impossible. Finally, the rules get a little blurry here guys. Christopher Reeve in "Superman": Funny or not funny floating?
Tom: Uh, not funny.
Joel: Right. Christopher Reeve in "Monsignor."
Crow: Funny.
Joel: Right. Now, Christopher Reeve kissing Michael Cane in "Deathtrap."
Joel: Right. Finally, Gallagher. Funny or not funny floating.
Crow: Not funny.
Joel: Extremely unfunny. Now we go into the lightening round. Cambot, put it up on magic screen, and, Magic Voice, let's have the password. (Joel walks off.)
Magic Voice: The password is "Things which are funny floating."
Crow (to Tom): Uh, you take your shoe off with this.
Tom: Uh, a piece of cheese, uh, uh, a comealong, uh, a shoehorn! (*Ding*)
Crow: Um, right. Uh, you keep meat in this.
Tom: Uh, your mouth! (*Ding*)
Crow: Uh right. Uh, a juggler.
Tom: Uh, boring things?
Crow: A juggler... hacknied...
Tom: Things at a renaissance festival.
Crow: Uh, bad actor.
Tom: Things you say to a bishop?
Crow: Uh, pass, pass. (Lights for movie sign start to flash) Um, flashing light.
Tom: Um, sale at K-Mart?
Crow: Um, flashing light...buzzer...
Tom: Times Square at midnight.
Crow: Ground shaking...
Tom: Things that happen at movie sign! (*Ding*)
Crow: Yeah, that's it!
Tom: Movie sign! AHHHHH!

(movie sign)