Satellite News -- Ward E -- Bit204

Bit: Joel Explains the Sixties

Episode 204- Catalina Caper

Transcribed by


Crow: Joel, could you tell us about this thing called the Sixties?
Tom: Yeah, I'm amused and fascinated by such an environment that the beautiful Creepy Girl existed in.
Joel: Well, I was just a little kid when it happened but I could tell you guys what I remember.
Tom: Okay.
Crow: Well, yeah, you're so much older than you're younger than that now.
Joel: Yeah, whatever Crow. Anyway, Cambot, could you run that music? (music starts) Yeah, cool, okay.
Tom: Hey!
Joel: Well, it was a lot simpler time back then, you know, like, I'll give you an example. Like, it wasn't uncommon for your mom to come and serve you a great big char-broiled steak while she smoked and drank a Tab and made your dad another Manhattan for the road, and that was just breakfast!
Tom: Oh, go on! (NOTE: During the remainder of Joel's speeches, one or both of the bots often cut in with Sixties-specific terms like "Sex! Drugs! Subliminal messages! Tie-dyed T-shirts! Protests!" which are too numerous to enumerate individually.)
Joel: Yeah, there were seat belts in cars but nobody used 'em, pre-sweetened cereals, subliminal messages, people smoked openly on the Tonight Show!
Crow: Hey, tell us about the Rat Pack again.
Joel: Oh, okay. Well, as you know, Frank Sinatra was the Chairman of the Board, and everybody else filed on in line except for Jerry Lewis. He had had a falling-out with Dean Martin and they already had chosen Joey Bishop to be their comic relief already, so he was kind of out of luck. But Dean was tall and tan and quick with a song, and he just had to say the word and cuckoo chicks would file on up to the hospitality suite and massage Peter Lawford's neck and make everybody groovy drinks while they took important phone calls from places like Palm Springs and the White House, until it was time for Frank Sinatra, the Chairman of the Board, to come out of the sauna, and he'd say the words and the dollies would go take a nap.
Tom: Oh, tell us about the rabbits, Joel!
Crow: Yeah, that's a good one. Love that!
Joel: Meanwhile, in the Windy City, Hugh Hefner was cooking up his own groovy scene in the aptly-named Playboy Mansion.
Tom: Yeah!
Crow: Oh, wow!
Joel: There was [sic] George Kennedy and George Hamilton, and Tony Curtis and Bill Bixby were all in his court, sophisticated men who knew their racket--
Crow: I think he's swingin' into high!
Joel: And they were classy swingers all! Yeah, anyway, and there was like Twiggy and Abby, and Peter, Paul, and Mary, Dion, Donovan, Melanie, Abraham, Martin, and John...
Crow: So they just went by their first names like that?
Joel: Yeah, like you, Crow!
Crow: Hey!
Joel: And there were typewriters, but nobody used 'em, and women were called girls!
Tom: Wow!
Joel: And businessmen wore double-breasted suits, had double chins, drank double bourbons, straight, no chaser--
Tom: Cool!
Joel: --before, during, and after important business meetings and summit talks! Everybody believed what the President said--why shouldn't they? Sexually provocative humor wasn't on TV, it was on cocktail napkins, and we liked it that way! Toys had metal edges and little pieces that were breakable and would fit in your mouth! They would take and make playground equipment out of stainless steel, then haul it up onto asphalt where you could get hurt!
Crow: Ouch!
Joel: Parents were actually told to spank their kids! Why, my mom actually made me go and get the belt, you know, in front of company, and that was really frustrating because once they made me take a bath in the front yard!
Tom: Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Why can't you be like everyone else and just remember the GOOD things about the Sixties?
Crow: Yeah! Like Woodstock!
Joel: Oh, Woodstock. Great, okay. "No, Joel, you can't go to Woodstock, you're nine years old. We're going to the opening of the new Century store. Oh yeah, in Echo Lane. Three days of peace, love, and pizza rolls! We're gonna buy you a shopping cart for your birthday!"
Tom: Uh, Joel's in a lot of pain. We'll be right back.
Joel: Oh, boy. Peter Max moved freely among men. Oh, did I mention there were drugs at that time? And then--
Crow: Yeah.


(after commercial--walking into theater)

Joel: Yeah, and the only shoes they had were PF Flyers and Keds, and that was it, nothing! No pumps, no nothing!
Tom: Joel. Okay. Okay. Joel. Okay. You can cool it now.
Crow: You okay?
Joel: Yeah.

(regular riffing resumes)