Bit: Evil Joel and his thugs

Episode: 305- Stranded in Space

Transcribed by Jon Whitney


(J&TB are wearing "Perfect Order" evil blazer 'n' jacket combos; Joel is carrying Tibby the clay turtle in a fishbowl under his arm.)

Joel (in character as evil boss): So, once again Mr. Rockford has escaped our grasp... Tibby and I are very displeased, aren't we, Tibby? (Pours fish flakes into bowl.)
Crow and Tom (as evil thugs): Duhhh... SORRY, Boss!
Joel: Next time -- no mistakes. I want him out of our way... PERMANENTLY! Huh huh hu ha ha ha!
Crow: RIGHT, Boss. HA-hah! (Crow exits.)
Joel (to Servo): NOW, as for YOU. Quincy's been nosing around a little too much. I think he's on to us. I want that meddler out of our WAY!
Tom: I'll see that he takes a LONG VACATION! Heh heh!
Joel (breaking character): Uh, that means you're gonna kill him, right?
Tom (also breaking character): Uh, yeah, sure.
Joel: Right, okay. (Back in character.) Huh-HA heh heh heh... (Servo exits, Crow re-enters. To Crow): Now, as for you, I want Hooker DEALT WITH!
Crow: Hooker's a good cop!
Joel: I know he's a good cop. Had we been on the same team, I think we might have been friends. He's a good cop, but he'll make an even better... CORPSE! Ah ha ha ha HAHAHAHAAAA!! (Crow and Joel both dissolve into hysterical, maniacal laughter. After a few moments, Crow snaps out of it.)
Crow: Uh.. what was I supposed to do again?
Crow: Oh, right. Kill Hooker... kill Hooker... (Crow exits, Servo re-enters.)
Joel (to Servo): Now. Christy Love has been sticking her PERT, PRETTY little nose in our business long enough and I want it OUT!
Tom (breaking character): Uh, business... what do you mean by our 'business?'
Joel (breaking character): Well uh, you know, the things we do, like illegal things, and things that people of a depraved nature... do?
Tom: Well why didn't you just SAY that, fer cryin' out lou- ?
Joel: WELL, IT'S IMPLIED! (Back in character.) Now, I want Christy Love to... take a deep, deep rest. She... heh.. needs her... BEAUTY REST! Yes! MWAHHAHAHAHa hah... (Servo exits; Crow re-enters, slightly out of breath.)
Crow: Uh, 'scuse me, Boss, uh... I'm a little confused. I was supposed to permanently eliminate Matt Houston and send Mrs. Columbo on a long vacation... so I... I FLEW to Houston and... uh... aren't we supposed to KILL any of these people?
Joel: Yeah, that's the whole point. You're supposed to kill 'em all... I think...
Crow: Oh, right. Kill 'em all. Okay. (Servo re-enters.)
Tom: Uh, say Boss, now was I supposed to have a long talk with Petrocelli, or was it Banacek, the Polish guy? And I didn't know whether to take care of Toma, or Baretta!?
Crow: Oh, uh, Servo, that's the same guy.
Tom: Oh nonononono. Wasn't "Toma" Tony Musante?
Crow: Well, yeah, until they moved the show out to LA and put Robert Blake in the role.
Tom: Ohh... huh?
Magic Voice: Epilog in ten seconds.
Joel: Well you see, my little friends, it works like this... (bridge lights dim)
Magic Voice: Epilog in five... four... three... two... epilog now. (Bridge lights come up).
Joel: So you see, Rockford is out of our way, Quincy is on permanent vacation and Christy Love has taken a deep, deep sleep. Well, my friends, it's time to watch a film.. after THIS!
All: Mwuhhuh huh huh.. heh heh heh haHAHAHHAHH!!! *cough*

(commercial sign)