Bit: Joel's a 50-foot Man! Aah!

Episode: 309- The Amazing Colossal Man

Transcribed by Martin Billany


(Joel is inside a tiny room, made to look like he is massive just like the Amazing Colossal Man. There are two doors in the room, and a window, behind which Crow and Servo are standing. The curtains in the window are closed.)
Joel (to himself): What kind of sin could a man commit in a single lifetime to bring this upon himself? (Hits the floor) Ahh! (Opens the curtains) Ahh! No!
Crow: Uh, Joel?
Tom: Joel?
Crow: Won't you talk to us?
Joel: No! Go away! (Hits the floor) Ahh! I'm huge! Ahh!
Tom: We'd like to ask you a few questions. How do you feel?
Joel: What do you mean how do I feel? I feel huge! (Hits floor) I'm a fifty foot man! Ahh, ooh, no

Crow: Do you think you're having delusions of grandeur?
Tom: Well, he's a colossal man, of course he's having delusions--oh, ask him another question!
Crow: Okay, uh, uh, who's your favorite Monkee?
Tom: Oh, here, let me! How many fish can you name?
Crow: Yeah!
Joel: How many fish can I name? What kind of questions are these? I'm a fifty foot tall man! You don't care about me! Go away! Ooh, no!
Tom: Oh, that's not true Joel! We're trying to do everything in our power to help you!
Crow: Yeah...
Tom: Oh, this isn't working. I don't think anything can save him.
Crow: Ah, he's just being difficult 'cause he's a freak!
Joel: No...
Tom: Yeah, let's try plan B! Okay?
Crow: Oh, yeah, plan B!
Tom: *Ahem* Joel, are you still there?
Joel: Of course I'm still here! I'm immense! I'm huge! (Hits floor) Ahh, ooh, eee!
Tom: We have some-one here who can help you! (Whispers to Crow) Go ahead! (The door on the left opens up, and Crow pokes a female doll through it.)
Crow (falsetto): Um, honey? Um...I'm...I really still love you, and I'm not gonna leave you in this position...haha...some condition...haha...(There's a knock at the other door) Oop, someone's at the door! (The other door opens, and Servo pokes a male doll through it)
Tom: Uh, hello? Uh, hi there honey! How'd you like to go out with a normal guy tonight? (Tom and Crow laugh.)
Joel (breaking character): Alright, come on you, that's it, this is getting too weird you guys, forget it.
Crow: Hey, Servo, how'd you get your arm to work?
Joel: Oh, that's it, every time I try to teach you guys a little something about human nature, you gotta twist it around and do one of your little jokes. Well, listen, you guys can just turn around and sashe those little robot metal butts of yours into the theater where you can learn a real something about isolation and loneliness!
Crow and Tom: We're sorry...
Tom: Freak! (Movie sign)
Joel: Ahh, we got movie sign!