Bit: Winter Sports Cavalcade

Episode: 311- It Conquered the World

[SOL]

Tom: It's hey-ho and a frosty hello from Tom Servo - on the go, on the snowy Satellite O' Love with the Winter Sports Cavalcade!

(Joel holds up newsreel type sign: 'BLOOD ON THE ICE!' 'SCHPLADERS, YOUNG and DUMB SPLATTER GORE ON FROZEN COVERED LAKES FROM COAST TO COAST')

Jack Frost is on the lam and hell-bent for leather in flaccid Lake Placid as these wily speedsters try to best each other in a festive combination of speed-skating and kickboxing. The folks up North call it “schplading!” Watch out for Number 13 - he’s got a roll of quarters in that hockey glove! And uh-oh, down goes another icy splicer! Better luck next time, Junior!

Now we skag it up to Skagway for the frozen frolics of the tundra set, where the summer fun of oil-slick management has given way to frisky ice fishing! But hang on to your mukluks - these plucky knuckleheads go for the real thing! Yes, tray after tray of the crystalline stuff is yanked from the belly of the Muskang [?] and cracked into highballs for the fashionable Alaskan Schnapps-Tossing Competition.

And it’s so long to the midnight sun and hi-ho Kokomo as Hoosiers cool their heels with a rousing game of hockeyball! These snowy prairie dogs do it in style! Watch out for that hip-check, Roger - down goes another one!

Now up to Minnesota for a game these squareheads call "standing around on a frozen lake ‘til your blood begins to flow like Mr. Mistee through your veins"!

Quickly now, off to the yodelin’ Alps for the Austrian Chilbain and By The Way Kurt Waldheim Is Not A Nazi Festival! Austrians everywhere enjoy the sport of “schiing,” as they call it - but we know it better as “playing ping-pong or badminton with a Barbie doll frozen in a bucket of ice.” Our frigid little Fraulein never looked better in her frozen frock as our man Schultz paddles her fanny with ball after ball, hoping for that elusive double Klammerfranz with a hey-ho-whoop-we-go-Heidi-hike-up-your-knickers and a forehand smash!

Now it’s spit-spat to the Kattegat, where dangerous Danes camp it up with wacky cat-snapping! That’s right, folks - tease ‘em, freeze ‘em, and snap ‘em in half! Take these Freezy-Pop felines down to absolute zero and they crack like Turkish taffy. Then melt ‘em in your mouth ‘til the nuts pop through! And what’s a day in Copenhagen without a bowl of blond and a traditional whack at the traditional Crow-beating! Yes, these daffy Danes...[aside] uh...Joel, you’re really not supposed to hit him, it’s just, y’know, it’s going off script there.

Joel: Oh, sorry

Tom: Well, finally, it’s a short longboat spin up to the Gulf of Bothnia, where frisky Finns and savvy Suomi take on the dangerous sport of frozen-pole frenching! Kids, do NOT try this at home! Yes, there’s a sick sort of thrill you get from watching Lars and his limber licker race against the clock for a new endurance record, and watch the fun as three inches of taste buds peel off like a zipper-skin Mineola!

(Joel now holds up a 'JOIN US' newsreel sign)

Tom: Join us now as we wave a tearful goodbye to the plucky men and robots of the Satellite of Love Winter Cavalcade of Fun! I’m Lowell George - so long for now!

(Cut)

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