Bit: Winter Sports Cavalcade
Episode: 311- It Conquered the World
Tom: It's hey-ho and a frosty hello from Tom Servo -
on the go, on the snowy Satellite O' Love with the Winter
(Joel holds up newsreel type sign: 'BLOOD ON THE ICE!'
'SCHPLADERS, YOUNG and DUMB SPLATTER GORE ON FROZEN COVERED
LAKES FROM COAST TO COAST')
Jack Frost is on the lam and hell-bent for leather in
flaccid Lake Placid as these wily speedsters try to best
each other in a festive combination of speed-skating and
kickboxing. The folks up North call it “schplading!” Watch
out for Number 13 - he’s got a roll of quarters in that
hockey glove! And uh-oh, down goes another icy splicer!
Better luck next time, Junior!
Now we skag it up to Skagway for the frozen frolics of the
tundra set, where the summer fun of oil-slick management has
given way to frisky ice fishing! But hang on to your mukluks
- these plucky knuckleheads go for the real thing! Yes, tray
after tray of the crystalline stuff is yanked from the belly
of the Muskang [?] and cracked into highballs for the
fashionable Alaskan Schnapps-Tossing Competition.
And it’s so long to the midnight sun and hi-ho Kokomo as
Hoosiers cool their heels with a rousing game of hockeyball!
These snowy prairie dogs do it in style! Watch out for that
hip-check, Roger - down goes another one!
Now up to Minnesota for a game these squareheads call
"standing around on a frozen lake ‘til your blood begins to
flow like Mr. Mistee through your veins"!
Quickly now, off to the yodelin’ Alps for the Austrian
Chilbain and By The Way Kurt Waldheim Is Not A Nazi
Festival! Austrians everywhere enjoy the sport of “schiing,”
as they call it - but we know it better as “playing
ping-pong or badminton with a Barbie doll frozen in a bucket
of ice.” Our frigid little Fraulein never looked better in
her frozen frock as our man Schultz paddles her fanny with
ball after ball, hoping for that elusive double Klammerfranz
with a hey-ho-whoop-we-go-Heidi-hike-up-your-knickers and a
Now it’s spit-spat to the Kattegat, where dangerous Danes
camp it up with wacky cat-snapping! That’s right, folks -
tease ‘em, freeze ‘em, and snap ‘em in half! Take these
Freezy-Pop felines down to absolute zero and they crack like
Turkish taffy. Then melt ‘em in your mouth ‘til the nuts pop
through! And what’s a day in Copenhagen without a bowl of
blond and a traditional whack at the traditional
Crow-beating! Yes, these daffy Danes...[aside] uh...Joel,
you’re really not supposed to hit him, it’s just, y’know,
it’s going off script there.
finally, it’s a short longboat spin up to the Gulf of
Bothnia, where frisky Finns and savvy Suomi take on the
dangerous sport of frozen-pole frenching! Kids, do NOT try
this at home! Yes, there’s a sick sort of thrill you get
from watching Lars and his limber licker race against the
clock for a new endurance record, and watch the fun as three
inches of taste buds peel off like a zipper-skin
(Joel now holds up a 'JOIN US' newsreel sign)
Tom: Join us now
as we wave a tearful goodbye to the plucky men and robots of
the Satellite of Love Winter Cavalcade of Fun! I’m Lowell
George - so long for now!