Bit: The Unearthly: The Game

Episode: 320- The Unearthly

Transcribed by Tim Walsh


(Servo are Crow are standing in front of an intricate apparatus on the table.)

Joel (enters and sees it): What in the-- oh, you guys...
Tom: We're zany.
Crow: Which results in creativity.
Tom: We thought we could shake off our own cabin fever by playing a little game.
Crow: Yeah, but most of our games are missing their pieces.
Tom: So, we combined them to make our own game based on this week's movie. Wanna help us play a game?
Joel: Sure, what can I do?
Tom: Well, we're all set up, but you can read the directions.
Crow: Yeah!
Joel (pulls out an elaborately folded piece of paper): Oh, these? OK. Alright, I can you guys put's kind of an amalgam of a bunch of different instructions. OK. Gotcha. (reading) "Equipment: Game board showing the many rooms of John Carradine's 'Unearthly' mansion."
Crow: Did that.
Joel: "Each player chooses one color token or marker."
Tom: Oh, oh, oh, I'm the shoe, I'm always the shoe! Dibs on the shoe! (Joel produces real shoe from behind table and puts it on the board.)
Crow: I'm the iron, I'm the iron! I don't want the pig this time. (Joel brings out a real iron.)
Joel: And I'll be playing my Captain Kirk king from my Franklin Mint Collection Chess Set!
Tom: Oh, I forgot about that one.
Crow: It's the only piece he's got.
Joel: OK, what's next?
Tom: Firsties! We roll for firsties!
Joel: OK, right. "Each player rolls the dice in the Tor Johnson Pop-o-matic. After the first player has been selected, but before you remove his pituitary gland, the player on his or her left loses one turn and then proceeds to go."
Tom (impatiently): OK, we can start now.
Joel (ignores him, keeps reading): "Then each player starts out with a billion dollars and half a dozen hotels, but immediately loses them when they dump Ivana for Marla.
Tom: OK,OK so let's go, let's go, let's roll the dice!
Joel: "The player landing on a 'Plotstopper' square must go back to the beginning of the movie or play the organ for five minutes. All players must stay within the boundaries of the house. Players going outside the house, who are in any way suggesting another location, put the film over budget and must forfeit one turn and pay the player to his or her right. The sum not equal to net points made on the back end of the deal."
Tom: OK.
Crow: OK, we know enough!
Tom: Let's roll, roll, roll!
Joel: Hang on. "Players caught on the stairway lose one turn. Players caught in a meaningless two-shot with John Carradine lose one turn. Players who lose one turn...
All: "...lose one turn."
Tom: OK, here we go, woo-hoo!
Joel: Wait a second. "Players who lose the breakfast argument with the palooka advance to the woman's bedroom. Palookas making advances on the woman lose one turn."
Tom: Thank you, Joel. You know, we wrote these rules, so we know 'em. We can just get going, let's go!
Joel: Hold on. Hold on. "Dialogue cards: Players landing on the dialogue box take one card. Players must read one passage of dialogue."
Crow: Yeah, but you don't need to do that right now.
Tom: We'll get to it. (Joel tries to take a dialogue card, but takes out a long string of them.
Crow: When we land on that square...
Joel: OK, let's see here. (reading card) "As John Carradine." Let's see. (As John C.) "I'm glad to hear you're willing to help. You're a clever young man. I've decided you could be of assistance to me."
Tom: Pretty good Carradine.
Joel (as Myron Healy's character): "I'm real handy to have around, especially if you need someone to bandage a gunshot wound."
Tom: Joel!
Joel (as John C.): That's not exactly what I had in mind...
Tom: Joel, c'mon! We wanna play! (Joel continues reading, commercial sign)
Crow: Joel, the commercial sign light is flashing.
Tom: Let's just play the game! What could be so wrong...
Crow: Let's just leave. (to Joel, as British child) Please, Mister, can we have our ball back?
Joel: (continues over logo) "...beyond the realm of possibility. Believe me, it's not impossible to the true scientist..."