Bit: Indestructible Fantasies
Episode: 409- The Indestructible Man
Transcribed by Erich Mees
(Joel is in the middle of an explanation to the bots.)
Joel: Okay, and your hand burns, sending a signal to your brain to tell you to move your hand off the electric heater.
Tom: Oh, so in a way, pain is good! Otherwise, we might be hurt and not know it, and die during social studies.
Joel: Exactly! It's all part of a bigger plan. Get it, Crow?
Crow: Yeah, I guess.
Joel: Okay, everybody knows there's no way a person could be indestructible--
Joel: --but just for fun, what would you do if you were indestructible?
Crow: Oh, uh, I'd hammer nails with my skull! No, no, wait! I'd be a high-performance drill bit, or, uh...
Tom: I'd jump in a stump-grinder to amuse my friends!
Tom: Oh, sure! Better yet, I'd rent 15 acres of wooded farmland and invite people to hunt me down...for a small fee.
Crow: Oh, good one, Tommy. How about this? I'd invite college students to staple announcements and posters on me, and, uh, let them open beer bottles with my eye sockets!
Tom: Oh, then I'd allow myself to be used as an ashtray.
Joel: Oh yeah? Well, I'd wear a wool sweater without a T-shirt! (awkward pause)
Joel: It's Peruvian...real itchy...scratchy...
Crow: But...you'd get used to it after a while.
Joel: Well, listen, Crow, every indestructible fantasy does not have to be gruesome or horrible.
Crow: Yes it does!
Joel: Okay, well, how 'bout this? I go down to the corner every day and immolate myself for money, kind of like a street performer. How's that?
Tom: Yeah, yeah, all right! Heh heh heh...
Crow: Yeah, yeah, now you're cooking with Crisco! Crisco...hey! I know, I'd bob for doughnuts in a deep fryer!
Joel: I've got one. I'd date Sean Young and then cheat on her with Roseanne Barr.
Tom: Oh, that's kid stuff compared to this. Now get this, I'd march right into the Department of Justice and take the Warren Commission file!
Crow: Oooh! Well, I'd go to Rome and unveil the conspiracy between the Mob and the Vatican!
Joel: Oh yeah? Well, I'd wear white tennis shoes with black socks and just wait for kids to beat me up... (Movie Sign) OH, WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!