Bit: Indestructible Fantasies

Episode: 409- The Indestructible Man

Transcribed by Erich Mees


(Joel is in the middle of an explanation to the bots.)

Joel: Okay, and your hand burns, sending a signal to your brain to tell you to move your hand off the electric heater.

Tom: Oh, so in a way, pain is good! Otherwise, we might be hurt and not know it, and die during social studies.

Joel: Exactly! It's all part of a bigger plan. Get it, Crow?

Crow: Yeah, I guess.

Joel: Okay, everybody knows there's no way a person could be indestructible--

Tom: Rats.

Joel: --but just for fun, what would you do if you were indestructible?

Crow: Oh, uh, I'd hammer nails with my skull! No, no, wait! I'd be a high-performance drill bit, or, uh...

Tom: I'd jump in a stump-grinder to amuse my friends!

Joel: Really?

Tom: Oh, sure! Better yet, I'd rent 15 acres of wooded farmland and invite people to hunt me down...for a small fee.

Crow: Oh, good one, Tommy. How about this? I'd invite college students to staple announcements and posters on me, and, uh, let them open beer bottles with my eye sockets!

Tom: Oh, then I'd allow myself to be used as an ashtray.

Joel: Oh yeah? Well, I'd wear a wool sweater without a T-shirt! (awkward pause)

Tom: Huh.

Joel: It's Peruvian...real itchy...scratchy...

Crow:'d get used to it after a while.

Joel: Well, listen, Crow, every indestructible fantasy does not have to be gruesome or horrible.

Crow: Yes it does!

Tom: Sure!

Joel: Okay, well, how 'bout this? I go down to the corner every day and immolate myself for money, kind of like a street performer. How's that?

Tom: Yeah, yeah, all right! Heh heh heh...

Crow: Yeah, yeah, now you're cooking with Crisco! Crisco...hey! I know, I'd bob for doughnuts in a deep fryer!

Tom: Oooh!

Joel: I've got one. I'd date Sean Young and then cheat on her with Roseanne Barr.

Tom: Oh, that's kid stuff compared to this. Now get this, I'd march right into the Department of Justice and take the Warren Commission file!

Crow: Oooh! Well, I'd go to Rome and unveil the conspiracy between the Mob and the Vatican!

Joel: Oh yeah? Well, I'd wear white tennis shoes with black socks and just wait for kids to beat me up... (Movie Sign) OH, WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!