Bit: The Motor Tour sketch collapses

Episode: 424- Manos, the Hands of Fate

Transcribed by pvtkeyser


(Joel puts up a screen, on which is showing fields from the driving scene in the movie, complete with music. He picks up a steering wheel. Tom and Crow hum to the music.)

Joel (Minnesota accent): Well kids, it's time for us to go on our motor tour of the southwestern states featuring many sites of historical interest.
Crow (Going along with Joel's Maine accent): Oh, dis is really nice. Hey, look, there's a field! And another field. (Starting to sound disappointed.) And, another field.
Tom (Minnesota accent): Oh, yes, it's very scenic, it's just like a scene from... (At this point, Tom loses his accent and begins to fret) Manos: The Hands of Fate!!! (Tom and Crow begin to wail. Tom says something, indistinct.)
Crow: Oh, you said "Manos!" (Continues crying)
Joel (Loses his accent and whispers): Uh, Tom, you're breaking character.
Tom (Still crying): Well, I know, but you're using footage from the film! It makes me want to pull my brains out!
Joel (Resuming his accent): Uh, that's nice, dear. Look, there are many other points of scenic enjoyment to be viewed with bemused interest. Why there's the Corn Palace over there. (At this point, we hear what is obviously someone making a sound like a police siren) And uh...oh...("Siren" continues)
Crow (Resuming his accent): Oh my, it is the man. I hope we don't get carted to the big house. ("Siren" stops, and Gypsy is walking from the left side, towards the back of their "car." And thought the "car" has supposedly stopped, notice that the driving footage on the screen is still going, and the music is still playing. Gypsy appears complete with sheriff's hat.)
Gypsy (southern accent): My, my, my! What we have here? (Spits.)
Crow: Yecch!
Gypsy: Lookie like we got us some Yankee troublemakers! I'm-a gonna hafta bring you in!
Crow: Uh...(Gypsy spits again, and once again we hear the spittoon.) Uh...aren't you gonna read us our rights?
Gypsy: Well, he wants me to read him his rights! (Laughs, spits.)
Crow: Hey, listen man! We don't have to take any cr... (turns his head and notices that the screen is still going. At this point, he totally loses the accent) Oh!! J-jeez, Cambot!! You were supposed to stop the footage on the blue screen when Gypsy pulled us over!!! How are we supposed to do a sketch, when we have to watch...M-M-M-M...MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE!!!! (Totally loses all control.)
Tom: Ohhhhhh, we're never gonna make it!!! This is a bug-hunt, man! A bug-hunt!!!!
Crow: Game over, man! Game over!!!!!
Joel: Listen, you guys, come on, shhhh, hey stay frosty, come on, we survived "Monster a-go-go", we can survive this. (Tom and Crow continue crying.)
Gypsy (breaking character): Well! My big scene, ruined!! (Walks away) I've never seen such unprofessionalism!! (By now, Tom and Crow are weeping uncontrollably.)

[Deep 13]

(Frank is holding towels. We hear water running in the background.)

Frank: Uh, guys? Uh, I know this is not normal procedure for me to do this, but uh...
Dr. F. (Off camera, as we hear the water turning off): Frank? I'm out of the shower! I need you to towel me off!
Frank: Uh, coming sir! Uh, I just wanted to say how really sorry I am about "Manos, the Hands of Fate." I mean, I know it's our job to send you really bad movies, but this time, even I have to admit, we really went too far. I'm really sorry. Now, now, now, now, that, that sketch you were doing? That, that was really funny. Now, now, go on, continue on with that. Go on! Go on!


(Tom and Crow are still whimpering, as Joel just shakes his head like a concerned parent.)

[Deep 13.]

Frank (as Jimmy Stewart): N-n-now, come on, Crow, Servo, uh, uh, uh, I told you to keep playing. Now come on! Uh, uh, play!


Tom (Still crying): Oh, daddy!
Joel (Takes Tom's hand): Oh, look. Haven't you done enough damage already? (As he embraces a near-catatonic Tom) Unfortunately, we'll be right back. (Joel and Crow just shake their heads as Tom blubbers.)