Bit: Crow is caught cheating

Episode: 515- The Wild Wild World of Batwoman

Assist by

Segment 1

Mike: You know, guys, as enthralling as this Batwoman movie is, I just can't get this cheating short out of my mind.
Tom: Mmm, ditto friend. It posts so many dilemmas like did Johnny intend to be dishonest, should Mary take the blame.
Mike: Or was Mary just a pawn in Johnny's little game.
Gypsy: Which begs the question of free will. What about free will?
Tom: Should his classmates give him a second chance and why doesn't the accused get a chance to defend himself?
Mike: Good point! And should Miss Grandy come into Johnny's bedroom uninvited and bodiless? What do you think about that, Crow?
Crow (startled out of a daydream): Uh, the Beatles!
Tom: Doh! You haven't been paying any attention at all, have you, Crow?
Crow: Yes! Er, can we talk about "Mitchell"?
Mike: I know what let's do. Let's answer the questions the short posted in our own personal essays.
Gypsy: Sure!
Tom: Why that's an excellent idea, Mr. Nelson. That in and of itself is a valuable exercise in articulating one's thoughts in a clear, concise, manner.
Crow: Yeah, what's in it for us? And by us I mean me.
Mike: Well there is those Hostess Snowballs I've been saving. (The bots react with yummy noises.)
Crow: I also want to be boss of the ship for a month.
Mike: Well, we'll talk about that.
Crow: And Servo has to do my laundry for a year...even my underpants.
Tom: You don't even wear any underpants.
Crow: Oh, you don't worry about that. I'll take care of that.
Mike (as commercial sign light flashes): This is getting weird. We'll be right back.

Segment 2

Tom: And preparing my report on the cheating short, I listened to both the muse and the sage. The spirit of the pragmatist, the mythical roots of my eternal...
Crow (impatiently): Oh, any time this century, Disraeli.
Mike: Crow, c'mon.
Crow: Oh, okay, Mike just wake me when it's over.
Tom: Anyway, as I was saying, it was the third question that most intrigued me. The query, "Was is it fair for Johnny to use Mary as he did?" is a mental minefield. I had to be careful, being the Humist that I am. I left no stone untur-
Mike: Anytime, Servo. Anytime.
Tom: That answer, my friends,
Crow, Mike and Gypsy: No?
Tom: Nyet, nein, neggy-gay.
Mike: That's your report, the answer is no? What about all these volumes.
Tom: Geez, Mike, I had several ibids, thirty pages of footnotes, an extensive bibliography, and some really neat diagrams charting the dialectic process from...
Crow: You know, Tom, you frighten me. So, we're done, huh?.
Mike: No, we're not done. We've still got (looks at Gypsy)...Gypsy? Why doncha go ahead there, girl?
Gypsy: Oh. Okay. (reads) "Cheating, by me. Cheating is bad. Richard Basehart is good." Well?
Mike: Well, that was very good, I thought. Spirited, succinct, very nice.
Crow: Yeah. Great. Can't we just hand these in, Mike. I mean, notify me by mail.
Mike: No, no, no, no. It's your turn. Now let's hear it. C'mon
Crow: Oh.... "Cheating. Cheating is bad. Richard Basehart is good." So! How about some lunch?
Mike: Hey, Crow, that was, word-for-word, the same report that Gypsy just gave.
Gypsy: Wow! What are the odds of that happening?
Crow: It's not exactly the same. I mean, the read was totally different! My downbeat was on "good." Gypsy's was on "Richard."
Tom (angrily): Stone him! Stone him! Cheater. Cheater. (He lunges at Crow.)
Mike: Hey, calm down. (Restraining Servo.) Calm down! You know, this is serious business and we'll talk about it. But right now we've got a movie to do and that's what we're going to do.
Tom: We must immolate him...
(Movie Sign just as Crow says, "Saved by the bell")

Cheating Segment Number 3

(Tom is just stage left of the desk, in front of a bulletin board with a note that says "important meeting.")

Crow: Hey, Tom, what's up?
Tom: Meeting of the Satellite of Love crew. Oh, I don't think you'd want to go to this meeting. It's about you.
Crow: Me?
Tom (dramatically): That's right. It's about how you cheated and betrayed the confidence of a sweet innocent robot. It's about how you made a mockery of everything that's good in this world. It's about how everything you touch, you destroy.
Crow: So, why can't I come?
Tom: D'oh. Would you just... (He walks away from Crow to the desk, where Mike and Gypsy are waiting.) Sorry I'm late.
Mike: Hi.. Well, as unpleasant as this whole mess is, we have to address Crow's cheating. I call this meeting to order -- .
Tom: Guilty, guilty! Guilty, guilty! Guilty, guilty!
Gypsy: Tom! C'mon, Tom. Sure Crow's made a mistake, but we should have compassion. Remember, my gumball-headed young friend, the quality of mercy is not strained. It falleth from the heavens like a gentle rain.
Tom: Gypsy, he stole from your essay.
Mike: Gypsy, calm down. This isn't getting us anywhere. The first thing that we need to do is... (Crow enters wearing glasses and a fake mustache and carrying a tray of cups of soup like the guy in the movie. Mike sees him and smiles happpily.)
Mike: Hey, who's this little guy?
Crow (in a voice resembling the soup giver in the movie): Ah, would you like some soup?
Mike (just as he takes a cup of soup): Why, yes I would! That's exactly--(realizes it's Crow) Ah, would you knock that off, Crow! Get out of this meeting!! (Crow leaves quickly)
Mike: All right, now I think we all agree that Crow needs some sort of punishment. What should it be?
Tom (calmly): Well, if I may quote from my colleague Gypsy, here...(screaming) FRY HIM! FRY HIM!! BURN HIM UP!! (calm again) And if I may just interject one thought of my own...(screaming) TEAR HIM UP!! RIP HIM APART!! BURN HIM!! (calmly) And, in conclusion (screaming) DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!! Any thoughts?
Mike: Well, actually, I was thinking more along the lines of not giving him any Hostess Snowballs. (Crow enters.). Hey, Crow, buddy.
Crow: Yeah?
Mike: I hate to be the one to tell you this. W all talked it over and we decided to--
Crow: Well, I'm shunning you.
Tom: Well, I shunned you first.
Crow: Yeah, I shun you back!
Tom: I double shun you version 2.1! (Commercial sign light flashes.)
Crow: I shun you version 2.2
Tom: Well, I shun you version 3 for Windows.
Mike: This isn't gettting us anywhere. We'll be right back.
Tom: I super mega friggin' shun you!

Ssegment Number 4

Gypsy: So why does Crow get a chance to respond, Mike?
Mike: Well, it's due process. As the accused, he is owed a chance to defend himself.
Tom (wearing a chief executioner cloth and carrying an ax): Plus, it gives him hope and it makes killing him an even richer experience.
Mike: We're not going to kill him and take that hood off (Mike removes the hood. Crow enters., wearing military medals on his chest.)
Crow: Well, I'm here for my last ditch hearing. Uh, got a statement. Hi, everyone. Well! Where to start?
Gypsy: Should we listen? We're shunning him.
Mike: No, we should listen.
Gypsy: Oh, good, it's hard to shun. I keep forgetting.
Crow: If it please the court?
Mike (hammering with a gavel): It pleases the court. Quiet, everyone! (lights dim; Crow talks to Cambot.)
Crow: As I think back in my life, I see basically a good robot. A robust and exemplary youth was followed by an unusually religious and publicly spirited young adulthood. Then I began my life of service. Being crushed into an ingot. Being hung upside down in chains.
Gypsy: You know, it's really true.
Crow: Yet all that matters not for trouble has found me. I stand accused of cheating and here is where the story becomes complex.
Gypsy: Complex? He copied my paper? What's complex about--? (Mike hushes her up.)
Crow: If my actions, if my creative methods for obtaining information, have--
Gypsy: He copied my whole paper. (Mike hushes her again.)
Crow: ...if those methods have been perceived by some as less than on the up-and-up, this causes me so much pain.
Tom: Can we just kill him now?
Crow: Perhaps, in my purity, I did not recognize temptation. The tragedy is almost too perfect. But I accept the consequences. I forgive Mike for forcing me into this situation. He did not realize the trap he was setting. I forgive Servo and Gypsy--
Gypsy: He copied my friggin' paper!
Crow: And I forgive myself. Thank you. (lights come up) I await your verdict.
Mike: Well, Crow, first up, it seems like you never really got to the apology.
Crow: Oh, uh, right. (To Cambot.) In an otherwise selfless and velvet life, I have cheated. And when you cheat, you make an eat out of C and H. I'm sorry.
Mike (pounding his gavel, serious judge voice): The court finds the defendant...GUILTY! (Crow sobs. Mike continues cheerfully.) But he's basically a decent guy, so he and all his friends are sentenced to eating Hostess Snowballs all night long. (The 'Bots cheer.)
Tom: I was with you all along, buddy! I knew you'd never fry!