Bit: Crow is caught cheating
Episode: 515- The Wild Wild World of Batwoman
Assist by Secretariat35@cs.com
Mike: You know, guys, as enthralling as this Batwoman
movie is, I just can't get this cheating short out of my
Tom: Mmm, ditto
friend. It posts so many dilemmas like did Johnny intend to
be dishonest, should Mary take the blame.
Mike: Or was Mary
just a pawn in Johnny's little game.
Gypsy: Which begs
the question of free will. What about free will?
Tom: Should his
classmates give him a second chance and why doesn't the
accused get a chance to defend himself?
Mike: Good point!
And should Miss Grandy come into Johnny's bedroom uninvited
and bodiless? What do you think about that, Crow?
out of a daydream): Uh, the
Tom: Doh! You
haven't been paying any attention at all, have you,
Crow: Yes! Er,
can we talk about "Mitchell"?
Mike: I know what
let's do. Let's answer the questions the short posted in our
own personal essays.
Tom: Why that's
an excellent idea, Mr. Nelson. That in and of itself is a
valuable exercise in articulating one's thoughts in a clear,
what's in it for us? And by us I mean me.
Mike: Well there
is those Hostess Snowballs I've been saving. (The bots react
with yummy noises.)
Crow: I also want
to be boss of the ship for a month.
Mike: Well, we'll
talk about that.
Crow: And Servo
has to do my laundry for a year...even my underpants.
Tom: You don't
even wear any underpants.
Crow: Oh, you
don't worry about that. I'll take care of that.
commercial sign light flashes): This is getting
weird. We'll be right back.
Tom: And preparing my report on the cheating short, I
listened to both the muse and the sage. The spirit of the
pragmatist, the mythical roots of my eternal...
(impatiently): Oh, any time
this century, Disraeli.
Crow: Oh, okay,
Mike just wake me when it's over.
Tom: Anyway, as I
was saying, it was the third question that most intrigued
me. The query, "Was is it fair for Johnny to use Mary as he
did?" is a mental minefield. I had to be careful, being the
Humist that I am. I left no stone untur-
Tom: That answer,
my friends, is...no.
Crow, Mike and
Tom: Nyet, nein,
Mike: That's your
report, the answer is no? What about all these volumes.
Tom: Geez, Mike,
I had several ibids, thirty pages of footnotes, an extensive
bibliography, and some really neat diagrams charting the
dialectic process from...
Crow: You know,
Tom, you frighten me. So, we're done, huh?.
Mike: No, we're
not done. We've still got (looks at Gypsy)...Gypsy? Why
doncha go ahead there, girl?
Gypsy: Oh. Okay.
(reads) "Cheating, by me. Cheating is bad. Richard Basehart
is good." Well?
Mike: Well, that
was very good, I thought. Spirited, succinct, very nice.
Great. Can't we just hand these in, Mike. I mean, notify me
Mike: No, no, no,
no. It's your turn. Now let's hear it. C'mon
"Cheating. Cheating is bad. Richard Basehart is good." So!
How about some lunch?
Mike: Hey, Crow,
that was, word-for-word, the same report that Gypsy just
Gypsy: Wow! What
are the odds of that happening?
Crow: It's not
exactly the same. I mean, the read was totally different! My
downbeat was on "good." Gypsy's was on "Richard."
(angrily): Stone him!
Stone him! Cheater. Cheater. (He lunges at Crow.)
Mike: Hey, calm
down. (Restraining Servo.) Calm down! You know, this is
serious business and we'll talk about it. But right now
we've got a movie to do and that's what we're going to
Tom: We must
(Movie Sign just as Crow says, "Saved by the bell")
Cheating Segment Number 3
(Tom is just stage left of the desk, in
front of a bulletin board with a note that says "important
Crow: Hey, Tom, what's up?
Tom: Meeting of
the Satellite of Love crew. Oh, I don't think you'd want to
go to this meeting. It's about you.
That's right. It's about how you cheated and betrayed the
confidence of a sweet innocent robot. It's about how you
made a mockery of everything that's good in this world. It's
about how everything you touch, you destroy.
Crow: So, why
can't I come?
Tom: D'oh. Would
you just... (He walks away from Crow to the desk, where Mike
and Gypsy are waiting.) Sorry I'm late.
Mike: Hi.. Well,
as unpleasant as this whole mess is, we have to address
Crow's cheating. I call this meeting to order -- .
guilty! Guilty, guilty! Guilty, guilty!
C'mon, Tom. Sure Crow's made a mistake, but we should have
compassion. Remember, my gumball-headed young friend, the
quality of mercy is not strained. It falleth from the
heavens like a gentle rain.
Tom: Gypsy, he
stole from your essay.
FRY HIM! FRY HIM! I WANT HIS FAMILY DEAD! I WANT HIS HOUSE
BURNED TO THE GROUND!
Mike: Gypsy, calm
down. This isn't getting us anywhere. The first thing that
we need to do is... (Crow enters wearing glasses and a fake
mustache and carrying a tray of cups of soup like the guy in
the movie. Mike sees him and smiles happpily.)
Mike: Hey, who's
this little guy?
(in a voice resembling the soup
giver in the movie): Ah, would you
like some soup?
Mike (just as he
takes a cup of soup): Why, yes I would! That's
exactly--(realizes it's Crow) Ah, would you knock that off,
Crow! Get out of this meeting!! (Crow leaves quickly)
Mike: All right,
now I think we all agree that Crow needs some sort of
punishment. What should it be?
(calmly): Well, if I may
quote from my colleague Gypsy, here...(screaming) FRY HIM!
FRY HIM!! BURN HIM UP!! (calm again) And if I may just
interject one thought of my own...(screaming) TEAR HIM UP!!
RIP HIM APART!! BURN HIM!! (calmly) And, in conclusion
(screaming) DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!! Any
actually, I was thinking more along the lines of not giving
him any Hostess Snowballs. (Crow enters.). Hey, Crow,
I hate to be the one to tell you
this. W all talked it over and we decided to--
Crow: Well, I'm
Tom: Well, I
shunned you first.
Crow: Yeah, I
shun you back!
Tom: I double
shun you version 2.1! (Commercial sign light flashes.)
Crow: I shun you
Tom: Well, I shun
you version 3 for Windows.
Mike: This isn't
gettting us anywhere. We'll be right back.
Tom: I super mega
friggin' shun you!
Ssegment Number 4
Gypsy: So why does Crow get a chance to respond,
Mike: Well, it's
due process. As the accused, he is owed a chance to defend
Tom (wearing a
chief executioner cloth and carrying an ax): Plus,
it gives him hope and it makes killing him an even richer
Mike: We're not
going to kill him and take that hood off (Mike removes the
hood. Crow enters., wearing military medals on his
Crow: Well, I'm
here for my last ditch hearing. Uh, got a statement. Hi,
everyone. Well! Where to start?
Gypsy: Should we
listen? We're shunning him.
Mike: No, we
Gypsy: Oh, good,
it's hard to shun. I keep forgetting.
Crow: If it
please the court?
with a gavel): It pleases the
court. Quiet, everyone! (lights dim; Crow talks to
Crow: As I think
back in my life, I see basically a good robot. A robust and
exemplary youth was followed by an unusually religious and
publicly spirited young adulthood. Then I began my life of
service. Being crushed into an ingot. Being hung upside down
Gypsy: You know,
it's really true.
Crow: Yet all
that matters not for trouble has found me. I stand accused
of cheating and here is where the story becomes complex.
He copied my paper? What's complex about--? (Mike hushes her
Crow: If my
actions, if my creative methods for obtaining information,
Gypsy: He copied
my whole paper. (Mike hushes her again.)
Crow: ...if those
methods have been perceived by some as less than on the
up-and-up, this causes me so much pain.
Tom: Can we just
kill him now?
Crow: Perhaps, in
my purity, I did not recognize temptation. The tragedy is
almost too perfect. But I accept the consequences. I forgive
Mike for forcing me into this situation. He did not realize
the trap he was setting. I forgive Servo and Gypsy--
Gypsy: He copied
my friggin' paper!
Tom: DOWN HE
GOES! DOWN! DOWN!
Crow: And I
forgive myself. Thank you. (lights come up) I await your
Mike: Well, Crow,
first up, it seems like you never really got to the
Crow: Oh, uh,
right. (To Cambot.) In an otherwise selfless and velvet
life, I have cheated. And when you cheat, you make an eat
out of C and H. I'm sorry.
his gavel, serious judge voice): The court finds
the defendant...GUILTY! (Crow sobs. Mike continues
cheerfully.) But he's basically a decent guy, so he and all
his friends are sentenced to eating Hostess Snowballs all
night long. (The 'Bots cheer.)
Tom: I was with
you all along, buddy! I knew you'd never fry!