Bit: Lady, Cards and ReComfy Bike
Episode 517: The Beginning of the End
Transcribed by Michelle Alvarez
Mike: Okay, you guys ready?
Mike, Crow and Tom (singing): Oh the Yellow Rose of Texas, hm hm hm hmm hm hmmmm.... (The 'Bots continue to hum as Mike continues)
Mike: Hi everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson, this is Tom Servo, and this is Crow T. Robot. We're just working on one of those beloved old standards. You know, these are the kind of sons that everyone can enjoy!
Crow: Hey Mike! There's something coming in on the Hexfield!
Mike: Huh? Hello, yes? (Hexfield Viewscreen opens and the "Lady" appears, a phone to her ear . She is sitting at a dingy kitchen table. Country music and children can be heard in the background.)
Lady: Yeah, hello Arnie.
Mike: Uh, Arnie?
Lady: Arnie, you sound weird. Listen, you gotta get over here and sign these papers. I know you're not thrilled to hear from me.
Mike: Uh, ma'am you must have the wrong number. There's no Arnie here. (She hangs up, exasperated.)
Mike: Wow. (whistles) That was weird. Well, let's go.
Mike, Crow and Tom (singing): Oh, the Yellow Rose of Texas... (Hexfield opens again and Lady is there again.)
Tom: Uh, Mike, the Hexfield again.
Lady: Look, I know Arnie's there, Chopper, you don't gotta cover for him. This is you, right? (Voice off camera can be heardt rhythmically chanting, "Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!") Look you don't gotta cover for him, he just has to get over here and sign these papers.
Lady: Hold on a minute. (responding the voice) WHAT?
Voice: What's for supper?
Lady: Yes, AGAIN! (to Mike) So, is Arnie staying with you, Chopper?
Mike: This may take a while. We'll be right back.
(Paul is still chanting, "Mom! Mom! Mom!")
Lady: Look, Chop, don't let him take advantage of you. He's a sweet guy but he takes, takes, TAKES. (Shouting off camera) MOMMY'S ON THE PHO-ONE!
Mike: (mouthing wordlessly) We'll be right back.
(Upon returning from commercial, Mary Jo is still talking. Mike reaches furtively for the Hexfield button.)
Lady: Of course, I was only sixteen when me and Arnie got hooked up. He was so good looking...back then. Nowadays it's just his whiskey breath, this dump, and 4 AM calls from the police. Oh, hold on, my bacon's on fire. (Mike successfully shuts off the Hexfield.)
Tom: You know, she did have a certain je ne sais quoi about her, didn't she?
Mike: Let's just see what Benny and Joon are doing...
(Dr. Forrester's face engulfs the screen.)
Dr. F: Hello Murray, automata. Say, what's the most popular form of exercise this month, hm? (Holds a hand up to his ear.) HMM? Well, that's right--the recumbent bike! As I see it, recumbent creators were afraid to make it *too* comfortable. Well, I'M not afraid! TADAH! (He reveals a bicycle basically equipped with a bed.) The ReComfy Bike! (giggles)
(Knuckling his eyes, Frank walks in wearing jammies and a bike helmet.)
Frank: Dr. F, could you tuck me in before my ride?
Dr. F: Of course, Franklin, there you go. Check out the reading lamp, nightstand and goose-down comforter. Of course, we might have to ditch the wheels and the pedals to make room for the ice machine and expresso bar, but...
Frank: Uh, Dr. F, I can't get it to go.
Dr. F: Well, try harder you LOAD!
Frank: Well, there's kind of a lot of stuff here.
Dr. F: (in that pinched, nasally, younger sibling voice) Oh, there's kind of a lot of stuff here. Nappy time, don't you think, Frank? (Forcefully tucks Frank in) Back up to you, Margot. (Frank is already snoring.)
Mike: Well, that's really, really...USELESS! (laughter; Mike "high-fives" the 'Bots) Anyway, our invention pumps new life into that age-old deck of playing cards.
Crow: Let's face it--with only fifty-two cards, there's only so much you can do.
Tom: A Jack, Queen, King. Gimme a break!
Mike, Crow and Tom : AHHH!
Mike: That's why we each came up with our own new cards, to sort of spice things up a bit. Mine is the eight of Chris Lemmon, son of the very talented Jack Lemmon.
Crow: Chris Lemmon?
Mike: Yeah, I just loved him in "Duet".
Tom: Huh. Well, my card is Todd. Just Todd. Todd is helpful, and Todd is there for you.
Crow: Todd? TODD?!
Mike: Yeah, is he...what value does he have? Royalty or what?
Tom: Well, Todd doesn't like to be pigeonholed. He says the term "royalty" puts limitations on your dreams.
Mike: Well okay, what happens if I lay down a eight of Chris Lemmons? Who wins?
Tom: Todd says numerical values are meaningless and he doesn't like competition. Actually, now that you bring it up, Todd says that your Chris Lemmon card has issues he needs to work through--
Mike: Well, if it's okay with *Todd*, why doesn't Crow go next? Whaddaya got, buddy?
Crow: Yes, yes! My card is the--doo doodoo doooo!--Crow of Diamonds! Whoo! Crow of diamonds.
Mike: Crow, I think you missed the whole point of this exercise.
Tom: Well, Todd thinks it's okay.
Mike: Todd, ahhhhh....
(Dr. Forrester is behind Frank's head, tickling his nose with a feather as he sleeps. He giggles each time Frank stirs or snorts.)
Dr. F: Enough of your touchy-feely crap, Nelson! Today's movie really gets going about two minutes before the closing credits. It's another Bert I. Gordon pain parade called "The Beginning of the End". And I hope you have health insurance.
(Dr. Forrester resumes tickling Frank; Frank bolts upright.)
Frank: ON YOUR LEFT!! (Confused, Dr. Forrester looks over his left shoulder.)
(As Tom goes on, Mike and Crow look at each other, hating Todd.)
Tom: And then later on, Todd's gonna show me this really great massage technique, and photos from his weekend with Robert Fulgam....awww, we got movie sign.
Mike: Oh, We got MOVIE SIGN!