Bit: F.A.P.S.

Episode 621: The Beast Of Yucca Flats

Transcribed by Ben Wink


(The desk is covered with film cans and there's a display with a photo of Coleman Francis. Crow is wearing a tuxedo.)

Crow: Hello. I'm Crow T. Robot of the Satellite Of Love. You know, The Beast Of Yucca Flats, Skydivers, and Red Zone Cuba are just three examples of the many, many god-awful films made during this century. Tragically, films like these are not deteriorating fast enough. That's why I urge you to support F.A.P.S.: The Film Anti-Preservation Society. At F.A.P.S., we're devoted to allowing the films of Coleman Francis and countless others to die a gentle natural death. We'll use your donations to transfer these films to fragile, volatile silver nitrate stock, so they'll rot quickly into nature's compost. (Mike passes behind Crow, comes back, looks into the camera because of what Crow is saying) Now here's how you can help: if you find a copy of a film as bad as ohhhÉAspen Extreme, please store it in a warm, moist, salty place such as a cheese factory or your mouth.

Mike: (Interrupts) Ah, Crow?

Crow: (Laughs, ignoring Mike) The situation is serious. If we don't take action now, the entire filmography of Sylvester Stallone may be available for our children and our grandchildren to view. So if you want to save future generations from the legacy of Cliffhanger, Demolition ManÉ

Mike: Crow?

Crow: ÉCobra, RhinestoneÉ

Mike: Crow?

Crow: ÉOscar, Stop, Or My Mom Will Shoot!É

Mike: Crow?

Crow: (Angrily) I'm on television Mike! Nighthawks, Paradise AÉ

Mike: (Interrupts) Ah, don't you think what you're suggesting is wrong?

Crow: You're right Mike. How awful of me. Where was I? So please call now and pledge what you can. Just dial 1-800-LET ROT. Won't you? Thank you. (Commercial sign flashes)

Mike: Heh heh heh, yeah, Crow T. Robot may or may not be back. Uh, well just come right this wayÉ (Leads Crow off, who's clearly jabbering at this point and Mike is just humoring him.)

Crow: What?

Mike: Could you, just right thisÉ?

Crow: A phone meeting?

Mike: Yeah.

Crow: I'm ready for my closeup. Mr. Katzenberg, hello, how are you?

Mike: Ah, great.