Bit: Crow Goes Hollywood, Part 1

Episode 704- The Incredible Melting Man

Transcribed by Tim Walsh


(Gypsy, Crow and Mike are behind the counter. Crow's net is down over his face like an umpire's mask, and Mike is wearing a batting helmet and holding a bat.)

Mike: Hi, everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. In honor of the fall classic, Servo's gonna chuck a few in here, we're gonna play a little hardball.

Tom: (off camera) C'mon, stand in there, bay-buh.

Mike: You bet I'm gonna stand in here, bay-buh.

Gypsy: (as Servo taunts and pitches) Hey, batter, batter, batter, batter, batter, BATTER, BATTER, SWING!!!! (ball whizzes above Mike's head; he falls over)


Mike: (as Gypsy laughs mockingly) High-reeah? Whaddaya mean, high-reeah? That ball almost hit me.

Crow: Mike, you can't argue balls and strikes, I'll bounce ya.

Gypsy: Yeah! (zoom out to show Servo in a baseball hat facing the three)

Tom: What's the matter, Nelson, can't handle a little chin music? C'mon, ya mama's boy, ya reject, c'mon!

Mike: (pointing bat) C'mon, gimme some of that weak-ass cheese.

Gypsy: (as Servo taunts and pitches) Hey, batter-batter-batter-batter-batter-BATTERBATTERBATTER!! (the ball hits Mike in the head and he falls down)


Mike: (as the others laugh) All right, that's it! That's it! (runs up to Servo and they fight)

Crow: (as everyone shouts wildly) Order in the court! Order in the court!


(Mike's head is all bandaged up and he is sobbing)

Tom: (holding a blender full of some gross substance) All right, Mike, got your hamburger sammitch and french-fried potatoes for ya, pal.

Mike: (garbled) Oh thanks a lot, Servo. (Mads light flashes)

Tom: (snickering) I'm sorry, what was that you said?

Mike: I said thanks--oh, you.

Crow: Mike, now say, "I was born on a pirate ship."

Mike: I was born on a pile o--hey! (presses button)

[Deep 13]

(Dr. F and Pearl at a table with books, papers, a computer, and water bottles)

Dr. F: (to Pearl) Cannes is not good, because I think that...

Pearl: So, why don't we get the cans and the bottles...(they converse)

Dr. F: (to SOL) Hi, guys. Pearl and I have some news for you.

Pearl: Cool beans, Art, the studio bought one of your screenplays, "Earth Vs. Soup."


Mike: You have got to be kidding me!

Crow: No way, oh man, no way, oh man! I finally sold a screenplay! WOO-HOO-HOO!

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: OK, people, the long and short of it is that Mom and I are in charge, and we'll be shepherding your little project for the studio.

Pearl: Mmm-hmm, great. OK, guys, we need to talk about some things. Do you have all your people there? Goooood.

Dr. F: Uh, do you have your scripts? Is everyone set to go? How was lunch?

Pearl: OK, great. Uh, Art, I have looked over your script--


Crow: Oh, good. Let me just say, I will not have the script tampered with.

[Deep 13]

Pearl: --and, clearly, there are some major script revisions needed.


Crow: Uh, sure. Great. Absolutely. Fine, fine, whatever. And, uh, what kind of budget are we looking at here, uh, Pearl? Dr. Forrester?

[Deep 13]

Dr. F: (typing on the computer and rummaging through papers) Well, we could only get you about 30 million for the entire movie, so how that shakes out is, roughly...well, 10% for each of us, 10% for the company, insurance...

Pearl: Administration, holding fee, completion bond...

Dr. F: So, we should be able to shoot you...about...$800 for the entire movie.


Crow: 800 from 30 mil... I can't do anything for $800, come on!

[Deep 13]

Pearl: (insulted) Huh.

Dr. F: Hal Needham once said, "Give me a Thunderbird and a dilapidated building and I'll give you drama."


Crow: (not meaning it) Oh, 800 sounds fine. (to Mike and Servo) OK, all right, OK, OK, we're making a movie! You guys are going to be in my movie.

Tom: All right!

[Deep 13]

Pearl: And the studio insists on Kevin Bacon.


Crow: Kevin Bacon?! How are we supposed to get Kevin Bacon?! We can't afford him. How are we going to get him up here?

[Deep 13]

Pearl: Well, again, guys, this IS the big time.

Dr. F: Uh, the time has come to look at this issue, and by the end of the day, we'll be glad you did.


Crow: OK, OK, OK, OK, sure! Fine! I'll get my people right on that. Oh, and Dr. Forrester, Pearl, THANK YOU. (movie sign) OK, people, what are we doing standing around here! WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!

Mike and Tom: Yes, sir! (they head down the hallway)