Bit: Crow Goes Hollywood, Part 3

Episode 704- The Incredible Melting Man

Transcribed by Tim Walsh


(Mike and Gypsy, with a huge eyelash, are standing impatiently on the bridge)

Mike: (looking at his watch) We gonna shoot this anytime today, or what?

Gypsy: (in Southern accent, apparently rehearsing her lines) Well, Ben, you watch yerself, you little cider press, you. (different tone) Why, Ben, you watch yerself. (normally) You know, maybe Mr. Robot will want a Southern accent.

Mike: Well, I'm off. I got things to do. (Crow appears in a beret, sunglasses and scarf. We now see a sign in crude handwriting: "Beningan T. Puffy Ranchers")

Crow: (in British accent) All right, hello everyone. Sorry, sorry. (Mike reenters.) Oh, hello Gypsy, you look splendid today.

Gypsy: Hi. Thanks.

Crow: (to Mike) Ah, Mr. Kevin Bacon (Mike, confused, looks at his nametag and remembers). Lovely to work with you again. Lovely, beautiful. Well, well, well, well, what are we doing? Judy, what are we doing?

Tom: (pops in from off-camera with a clipboard) We are shooting the film today, Mr. Robot, we're all set.

Crow: And the camera?

Tom: (looking toward Cambot) Right where it always is, Mr. Robot, right over there.

Crow: None of your lip, Judy.(Servo pops out.) (To Cambot) Ah, Cambot, wonderful, let's see if we can't squeeze a little of your magic onto 35mm, hmm? N'est-ce pas? (Cambot nods)

Mike: Crow, can we get going, cause, you know, we gotta get--

Crow: Of course! Judy, what are we doing?

Tom: (pops in) Still shooting the first scene, Mr. Robot. (pops out)

Crow: Excellent! And, action!

Tom: (in) Uh, roll sound. (out)

Crow: Uh, roll sound!

Tom: Speed! (in) Roll camera. (out)

Crow: I know. Camera!

Tom: Rolling!

Crow: Marker!

Tom: (with a marker) 101A, take 1.

Crow: And...action. (he doesn't move from the middle of the shot; Mike and Gypsy look at him awkwardly)

Mike: (hushed) Crow!

Crow: CUT! Dammit! What is your problem, Kevin?

Mike: Well, you're right in the middle of the shot, I'm sorry....

Crow: Ah! So I am. And suddenly, YOOOOU've become the director. Well, I guess we can't shoot today. Mr. Bacon (mockingly) ISN'T VERY HAPPY. Well! It just so happens that Cassavettes was in plenty of his own films. So was Stallone. Coleman Francis. Hal Needham, all the greats.

Mike: I just didn't think you wanted to be smack dab in--

Crow: Very good! Judy, what am I doing?

Tom: (pops in) Doing another take, Mr. Robot. (out)

Crow: Excellent! And this time, I be in the scene. Hmmm...and ACTION!

Tom: (in) Uh, roll sound. (out)

Crow: Roll sound!

Tom: Speed! (in) Roll camera. (out)

Crow: I know. Camera!

Tom: Rolling!

Crow: Marker!

Tom: (with the marker) 101A, take 2.

Crow: And.............................action. (gets out of the shot)

Mike: (in Southen accent) Why, sweet Marie, you know, y--I got a ha--

Crow: Cut! Print! That's a wrap everyone! Beautiful work! (Servo pops in) Thank you so much! It's been... (exits)

Tom: Had a wonderful time.

Mike: Wait, that's it, that's all?

Gypsy: I didn't get to say "beans!"

Crow: (back in) Oh well, we'll loop the lines in ADR, the rest is second-unit stuff. Thank you everyone, I'm off. (exits)

Tom: Poor dope spent the whole 800 bucks on the scarf. (movie sign) Oh, movie sign!

Mike: Movie sign, let's get out of here!