Bit: The Facts Of Life

Episode 811- parts: the clonus horror

Transcribed by Dan (Zap) Newton


(Mike and the 'bots are checking out the activity down on the Camping Planet.]

Tom: Hey, what's going on down there Mike?
Mike: Well, the kids asked Mrs. Forrester a, y'know, difficult question, so they're having a serious talk. You know, "that" talk.
Crow: Ahh! Kirk vs. Picard, huh? Yeah, that's a tough one! Man!
Mike: Yeah, exactly. (He shakes his head at Crow.)

[Camping Planet]

(Pearl, Bobo and Observer are talking to the Space Children about the facts of life. Pearl is talking to Darlene.)

Pearl: (embarrassed) Oh, the, uh, the facts of life. Um, don't you kids get The Spice Channel, er....? (Darlene shakes her head; pan over to Observer talking to Bobby.)
Observer: I, I, I believe it was a mediocre sit-com of the 1980's starring Charlotte Rae. (Bobby looks confused. Observer clears his throat.) Anyway.....(Pan over to Bobo, counselling Scooter.)
Bobo: (hopefully) Now, wouldn't ya rather have Tanta Bobo show ya how to use a stick to catch some yummy, crunchy termites, hmmm?
Scooter: No.
Bobo: (Clearing his throat) OK, ok, here we go then..... (Pan back to Observer and Bobby.)
Observer: When, when, when two brains love each other, they may decide they want to share the same brain pan, as it were. And then.....(Pan back to Pearl and Darlene. Pearl has lit up a cigarette and is holding a cocktail.)
Pearl: "Every chick for herself.", them's the real facts o' life, cookie! If he wants to dance, he's gonna have to pay the band. If he wants to paint the house, he's gonna have to buy the enamel. And the primer. And, you still might want to consider aluminum siding!
Darlene: (confused) Oh, Grandma Pearl, I don't know what you're talking about!
Pearl: (patting her reassuringly) I'm not sure I do either, Darlene. But, if he wants to sod the lawn, he's got to........(Back to Observer and Bobby.)
Observer: Yes lad, love is kind and tender and delicate. The gentle pleasures of two people connecting in love are many. Love is a sort of, gossamer beauty. (sharply) But ignore it! Thankfully, we've moved beyond that nonsense! Tch! (Over to Bobo and Scooter.)
Bobo: Now, a really good mate's gonna be able to outrun ya for a bit, but just grab a hold of one leg, and hang on tight. You're gonna get kicked, that's always part of it! Heh heh! And, an advanced tool-user's probably gonna nail ya with a few rocks. And, there are always rivals to fend off! That's why we have the full charge. Now, I'm gonna demonstrate, so, don't worry, don't be scared, just watch. (He rears back and starts to pound on his chest.) GAAARRRRRRRR!!!! ROARRRRRRRRRR!!!! (Scooter throws his baseball directly at Bobo's area.)
Bobo: (in great pain) Ohhh! Good boy! You'll go far! (He crumples.)
Scooter: Ha ha!