Bit: Opening Arguments in Mike's Trial

Episode: 815- Agent For H.A.R.M.

Transcribed by


(Crow and Tom are at the desk where there is a Lindsor Tort with a not-so-well-concealed powersaw in it)

Crow: Yes sir Mike's as good as out when he gets this little Linsdor tort of mine.
Tom: Say, Crow, it might be a little too obvious what with the powersaw kinda poking out of both ends there.
Crow: Oh, come on. A touch more almond paste on the motorcasing there and it'll look like Grandma made it.
Tom: I suppose... (Gypsy comes in)
Gypsy: You guys, they just started opening statements. Hey, nice Tort. (Crow chuckles)

[The Trial]

(Pearl is holding a model of the SOL with a balloon, already giving her statement...)

Pearl: (in innocent voice) ...Please Mr. Nelson you mustn't kill us we are an innocent planet. (In mean voice) Oh yeah? Well, tough nipples planet. (She pops the balloon with the model and laughs maniacally. To jury.) Well there you have it. When he is convicted I ask that the wretched be eaten by fire ants. Thank you for your time. (Sits.)
Judge: Professor Bobo for the defense.
Bobo: (dressed as southern lawyer, using southern accent) Well thank you judge. (Clears his throat) Well now, a lot of folks around these parts have been throwing the words "world destroyer" around like a bone rolled blue. So ya blow up yourself a planet? Does that make you a world destroyer? Hmm? My mama, she burned a brown betty one time does that make her a world destroyer? I reckon not. Because, folks, maybe, maybe brown betty plays a bigger role in this trial then we realize. All bubblin.....full of fruit...cinnamon-nutmeg sprinkles.....
Mike: (getting worried) Bobo, please...
Bobo: (quietly, to Mike) Shut up, boy, I'm defendin' you. (Louder) You know, folks, we're gonna hear the word "panties" used a lot in this trial so let's get them giggles out now. Panties, panties, panties, panties, panties, panties. Panties, panties, panties...
Mike: Bobo please, this isn't helping my case...
Bobo: Relax, son. I'm not gonna stand here and pretend my client is innocent. He's guilty, he blew up them planets. Just look at him, look at his face with them veins coming out of his neck, his beady little sunken eyes, why it turns my stomach just to glance ascance at this putrid leech on the universe. (He picks through Mike's hair) It kinda puts me off my lunch. Lunch...Judge, can we get a few steam tables set up in here with some potatoes, something chickeny....
Mike: (Grabbing Bobo's arm) Would you just sit down...
Bobo: Get away from me, murderer! Uh, what I mean to say of course is, in summary I would like to recall the words of that great and honorable statesmen, Abraham Lincoln. (Pauses) Well that wraps things up thank you, won't you? Your witness.
Judge: No witness has been called...
Bobo: Whatever. (To Mike) I sure got them eating right out of my hands. (Mike starts to strangle Bobo) Help, he's murdering me!!