Bit: Opening Arguments in Mike's Trial
Episode: 815- Agent For H.A.R.M.
(Crow and Tom are at the desk where there
is a Lindsor Tort with a not-so-well-concealed powersaw in
Crow: Yes sir Mike's as good as out when he gets this
little Linsdor tort of mine.
Tom: Say, Crow,
it might be a little too obvious what with the powersaw
kinda poking out of both ends there.
Crow: Oh, come
on. A touch more almond paste on the motorcasing there and
it'll look like Grandma made it.
Tom: I suppose...
(Gypsy comes in)
Gypsy: You guys,
they just started opening statements. Hey, nice Tort. (Crow
(Pearl is holding a model of the SOL with
a balloon, already giving her statement...)
Pearl: (in innocent voice) ...Please Mr. Nelson you
mustn't kill us we are an innocent planet. (In mean voice)
Oh yeah? Well, tough nipples planet. (She pops the balloon
with the model and laughs maniacally. To jury.) Well there
you have it. When he is convicted I ask that the wretched be
eaten by fire ants. Thank you for your time. (Sits.)
Bobo for the defense.
Bobo: (dressed as
southern lawyer, using southern accent) Well thank you
judge. (Clears his throat) Well now, a lot of folks around
these parts have been throwing the words "world destroyer"
around like a bone rolled blue. So ya blow up yourself a
planet? Does that make you a world destroyer? Hmm? My mama,
she burned a brown betty one time does that make her a world
destroyer? I reckon not. Because, folks, maybe, maybe brown
betty plays a bigger role in this trial then we realize. All
bubblin.....full of fruit...cinnamon-nutmeg
worried) Bobo, please...
to Mike) Shut up, boy, I'm defendin' you. (Louder) You know,
folks, we're gonna hear the word "panties" used a lot in
this trial so let's get them giggles out now. Panties,
panties, panties, panties, panties, panties. Panties,
please, this isn't helping my case...
Bobo: Relax, son.
I'm not gonna stand here and pretend my client is innocent.
He's guilty, he blew up them planets. Just look at him, look
at his face with them veins coming out of his neck, his
beady little sunken eyes, why it turns my stomach just to
glance ascance at this putrid leech on the universe. (He
picks through Mike's hair) It kinda puts me off my lunch.
Lunch...Judge, can we get a few steam tables set up in here
with some potatoes, something chickeny....
Bobo's arm) Would you just sit down...
Bobo: Get away
from me, murderer! Uh, what I mean to say of course is, in
summary I would like to recall the words of that great and
honorable statesmen, Abraham Lincoln. (Pauses) Well that
wraps things up thank you, won't you? Your witness.
Judge: No witness
has been called...
(To Mike) I sure got them eating right out of my hands.
(Mike starts to strangle Bobo) Help, he's murdering