Satellite News -- Ward E -- Bit819


Episode: 819- Invasion of the Neptune Men

Transcription by Matthew Haught ( with an assist by


Tom: Hello and...
Crow and Tom: Konichiwa.
Tom: Tonight we present a traditional Japanese Kabuki play. Translated to English, this ancient work is entitled, "Neil Simon's The Sunshine Boys."
Crow: Now, how many of you are familiar with Japanese theater? Anyone wanna...
Tom: Anybody at all.
Crow: ...field this one? Err uh... (Mike raises hand. Crow looks at Mike) Ah, yes sir! And do you enjoy Kabuki theater?
Mike: Ah, actually I prefer Noh theater.
Tom: Well, then why did you raise your hand?
Mike: Because I like Noh theater. Noh plays are my favorite.
Tom: So you don't like any theater at all?
Mike (chuckles): No, let me explain. Noh theater is classic Japanese drama. Noh plays have been produced since the 13th century and Noh actors are revered, even today.
Crow: But why are you dissing Japanese theater? What's your deal man?
Mike: No, no wait a minute. Noh theater started in Japan.
Tom: Ah, so now you tell us Japan doesn't have any theater whatsoever.
Mike: They have lots of theater including Noh theater.
Crow: So they have lots of theater and they have no theater.
Mike: Exactly.
Tom: What?
Crow: No theater?
Mike: Yes.
Crow and Tom: What?!
Mike: Noh theater. N-O-H.
Tom: N-O-H huh?
Crow: Geez.
Tom: Well, there you just gone and shown what an idiot you are!
Crow: Well, hey, I'll handle this Tom, calm down. Mike, I'm going to ask you a series of simple questions which even a cretin like you could answer yes or no. Now, is there a theater in Japan?
Mike: Yes.
Crow: Good! And do you have a particular favorite type of Japanese theater?
Mike: Yes.
Crow: Well good now we're gettin' somewhere. Mike, will you tell me the name of your favorite form of Japanese theater?
Mike: Noh.
Crow: Why not?
Mike: Why not what?
Crow: Why won't you tell me your favorite Japanese theater?!
Mike: I just did!
Crow: Did what?!
Mike (exasperated): Told you my favorite form of Japanese theater.
Crow: You did?
Mike: Yes.
Crow (angry): Well will you tell me again?
Mike: Yes: Noh.
Tom: Oh, come on!
Crow: Mike, I'm gonna grab a stepladder so you can jump up my butt!
Tom: May we do our little Kabuki play now?
Crow: (Breathes "yeah")
Mike: Go ahead, but remember- I like Noh theater more than I like Kabuki theater.
Crow: I thought you didn't like Kabuki!
Mike: I don't!
Crow and Tom (crying): Aaah!
Crow: Oh god! (Crow and Servo become apoplectic)
Mike (to Cambot): You gotta mess with them every now and then. We'll be right back.
Gypsy (who has been watching the whole thing, quietly): I get it Mike.