The Home Game Segments
The following bits were inserted in the MST3K: The Home Game show that aired the week before the series re-debuted on Sci-Fi Channel.
Transcribed by Scott Robinson
Mike: Hi, I'm Mike Nelson, and welcome to the Sci-Fi Channel's Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Home Game. Now, we won't be on until next week, so the Sci-Fi Channel came up with this little scheme where you, yes, you, get to make fun of the movies just like we do here at MST3K. What you do is just log onto www.scifi.com, and you can start quipping away right now. And also, coming up on the show if you're real real good, Kevin Murphy and I will take you on a guided tour of the secret complex here at Best Brains Incorporated. So stay tuned, it's going to be a lot of fun.
Kevin (woodenly): Hello, and welcome to Best Brains Incorporated.
Mike (woodenly): Welcome to Best Brains, home of Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Kevin (woodenly): In Eden Prairie, Minnesota.
Mike (woodenly): And thank you.
Kevin (woodenly): And thank you.
Paul: Mystery Science Theater 3000, the acclaimed cult hit.
Mike: Well, you've got Ross and Chandler, who are roommates, and you've got the pretty girlfriend neighbor, who... I'm sorry, that's "Friends."
Kevin: Here, let me help you. There's a guy and his robot pals...
Mike: It's a puppet show that keeps me in stereo gear.
Kevin: ...who have been shanghaied and forced to...
Paul: The hippest, deepest satire of our generation.
Kevin: ...live on a spaceship, not of their own design or their making...
Mike: This would be the Satellite of Love, this is where we stay, right here, probably somewhere in this area, oh, I've broken it now.
Kevin: Sometimes they have an opportunity to go down.
Mike: Down here.
Kevin: Down into the lower regions.
Mike: Here, then around, where the thing...
Kevin: Back up through, and then down.
Mike: That's it.
Kevin: ...being forced to watch some of the most horrible movies ever made, and...
Mike: It's a guy who sits and watches bad movies, and makes fun of them.
Bill: And they do all sorts of hijinks.
Kevin: ...a evil entity is monitoring the results.
Paul: It's the show with the three guys in silhouette in front, watching the movie. Oh, right, that show.
Mary Jo: We take bad movies, and we have characters who sit in front who are silhouetted, and they talk back at the movie.
Jim: Mystery Science Theater 3000 makes fun of bad movies, pure and simple.
Kevin: Did I mention we got a Peabody Award?
(they walk into the studio)
Kevin: Here is where it all happens.
Mike: The nerve center of Best Brains. The heart of Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Kevin: This is where we earn our paychecks, right here in the studio. This was carved out of a solid block of office warehouse complex in Eden Prairie, and we built it all ourselves, as a matter of fact.
(on the SOL set)
Kevin: Come on. Watch your step now.
Mike: Come on.
Kevin: You're holding the camera.
Mike: Come this way.
Kevin: This is something that few people get to see.
Mike: Well, unless you watch the show, then you see it all the time.
Kevin: Well, once you come behind here.
Mike: Oh, behind the actual thing.
Kevin: Because what happens here, let me demonstrate.
Mike: This is where a lot of hijinks and shenanigans happen. This is where a lot of ne'er-do-wells do...
Kevin: Cutting up?
Mike: ...cutting up, and sending up things, right here.
Kevin: A lot, all the backstage shenanigans happen here. This is Servo's side of the trench, obviously, since Servo usually ends up on that side of the camera, and I stand here with my puppet in hand, with one of the many control rods that aren't here right now so I can't demonstrate. It's like this. This goes up Servo's business end.
Mike: And this is where I stand, and to remind me, you can see the footprints that tell me which way to face.
(in front of the doors)
Kevin: Come on back and work the doors with us. Most people think that we actually have a tunnel back here about 48 feet long. But in actuality, these doors open to reveal a green screen, with which we do the green screen process that you've probably heard so much about. Show them how it's done, Mike.
Mike: Okay. (he closes doors)
Kevin: Amazing, isn't it?
Mike: Come in.
Kevin: (laughs) Come on in, Mike. (they open doors) We're just kidding with Mike here.
Mike: I kid. So there's really not the doors there, and everything. You understand.
Kevin: I think they figured that out, though.
Mike: Thank you.
Kevin: What next, what next? What else can we tell you about ourselves?
Mike: Don't date much. Big surprise. All right, let's go this way, then.
Kevin: Okay. Down, down, we're going down.
Kevin: Well, let's see, there's Mike.
Bill: This big, good-natured blonde guy from Wisconsin.
Mike: Mike Nelson, played by Michael J. Nelson.
Paul: Mike Nelson is a sap, a poor, hapless...
Jim: A hapless...
Mary Jo: Hapless chap...
Kevin: Pleasant sort of big brother to the robots.
Jim: A temporary worker who, uh...
Mike: They needed some typing, and I was lured away from a lucrative position at T.G.I. Friday's.
Jim: Who, uh...
Mike: I get to do the bathrooms as well as turn on the dishwasher at night, so it's been a rich, rich career for me.
Jim: Who, uh, by mistake, rather than by design, is sent into orbit.
Paul: Is trapped in a rocket ship with a few robots, being chased by Mrs. Forrester.
Jim: Pearl Forrester, who is conducting this rather weird experiment.
Mary Jo: Pearl aided with the disappearance of Dr. Forrester.
Kevin: Well, she's evil, because her son was evil, and she's evil, too. She's evil in kind of a fun way. She's got, represents sort of a fun sort of evil, I would say.
Kevin: Here's the Crow station.
Mike: Crow and his dopplegänger.
Kevin: You see Crow, who is also named Crow, I believe.
Kevin: Which makes it a very uncanny dopplegänger, then.
Paul: Crow is, Crow is a wisecracker.
Jim: Sort of a wisecracking, smart-alecky...
Mary Jo: Smart-alecky...
Jim: ...sort of robot.
Kevin: A clever little fellow, let's say it that way, with kind of a devilish sense of humor.
Bill: I feel a little humbled to be doing it, especially knowing that there are so many MST fans out there who know Trace, and are used to Trace and his work, and love it.
Jim: Trace Beaulieu, who played Crow and Dr. Forrester, has left the show. Bill Corbett has taken over for Crow.
Kevin: And I'd say he's done a very admirable job.
Bill: I don't know, I guess the main thing I might bring, for better or worse, is that I'm from the East Coast.
Jim: People in the East Coast are very up front with their attitudes and ideas, so I think we'll see a little more attitude out of Crow.
Kevin: Since he's from Brooklyn originally, there's a little bit of Brooklynese now in Crow, just a touch, that maybe wasn't there before.
Mike: Crow has been injected with twelve vitamins and minerals, so every time you watch, you build muscles twelve ways.
Bill: He's constructed of some strange gold alloy I haven't exactly figured out yet. You'll see in his makeup little bits of sporting goods, like bowling pins and lacrosse nets and ping-pong balls, so he's a sporty guy.
Kevin: Crow is kind of tricky; he's more complex than Servo, because he has... not only his head moves, but his eyes move, too, you see.
Mike: Yeah, that's real complex stuff.
Kevin: Follow you wherever you go, so Bill really has his work cut out for him.
Mike: And his arms move.
Kevin: Yeah, but that's only if you knock them.
Mike: Rowr. Rowr. See...
Kevin: Don't knock him over.
Mike: Oh, sorry. He's actually propped up there.
Kevin: This is Servo's workbench, as you can see, Tom is here prominently featured. Nice, freshly painted Tom here, all ready to go. New bubble gum machine head, nice new crystal dome, fresh paint on the little engine block... God, he looks good, doesn't he?
Mike: God, he looks great.
Kevin: Yeah, man.
Mike: Boy, I could eat him up.
Kevin: I am the voice and controlling rod operator of Tom Servo. He's a very simple puppet.
Jim: Tom Servo, who's more of a worldly renaissance robot, although considers himself quite a ladies' man.
Paul: Servo's a great singer.
Bill: A small robot with just a big sense of himself.
Paul: Servo takes himself pretty seriously.
Mary Jo: More pompous.
Paul: Servo's pretty pompous.
Mary Jo: He's pretty inflated.
Kevin: The show was going to be called Tom Servo's Mystery Science Theater 3000, but... those discussions never went anywhere. It wasn't really my fault...
Kevin: Well, moving on?
Mike: Do we have...
Kevin: Show the furry little monster that we have here.
Mike: Well, this is the furry little monster that we have here. Actually, the Satellite of Love hits this monster. It's roadkill. And it begins to eat and digest Crow. On an upcoming episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Kevin: And why, here's Gypsy.
Jim: Gentle Gypsy, the all-knowing, wise, and somewhat silent leader of the robotic trio.
Kevin: Jim has to work Gypsy, and it's very difficult, because Gypsy weighs a ton.
(Mike puts on a bigger version of Crow's mom's head, laughs)
Kevin: So Jim has to, I hope I don't wreck your microphone here, Jim has to...
(Kevin looks at Mike)
Mike: Oh, sorry.
Kevin: That's really cute. Jim has to put this around his shoulders like this.
Kevin: And... do you mind?
Mike: No, I'm sorry, go ahead.
Kevin: Jim's really going to be cheesed when he finds out you stepped all over his segment.
Mike: Jim works really hard at Gypsy. (he shrugs)
Kevin: And then this gets plugged in somewhere, I'm not quite, there it is, quite sure where, which allows Gypsy's light to go on there, you see? (falsetto, pulling Gypsy's thread) Hello, I'm Gypsy, you see, and I fit in this little socket on the, and Jim works me, and he's very nice, and he does a great job of me, and gee, I can't wait to be on the show this season.
Mike: But seriously, though, I mean, if I could say something serious.
Kevin: I don't do Gypsy well.
Mike: The effort that is put into each and every show, it's not just one person, it's so many people, and we'd like to thank... (laughs) Sorry.
Kevin: Hi. Here we are at the legendary Mystery Science Theater planet, which is behind the wall that - well now, we know you think that we just shoot this out in the stars, but actually we take little pieces of reflective tape and we stick them onto the walls.
Mike: You can do this at home if you like, and pretend you are in the stars.
Mike: This is actually not here right now. This has been digitally inserted, and you can see how my hand actually looks like it's passing in front of the digital globe.
Kevin: 'Cause it's texture mapped, and so it stays, even though...
Mike: It's texture mapped, and it can be enlarged. Why don't the digital editors enlarge this right now. Guys?
Kevin: See how they...
Mike: Well, they must not be there, but, you know.
Kevin: It's been rastorized, too.
Mike: Yes. Exactly. Look at that how much action we can get out of that.
Kevin: Very lively. It's very enlivened.
Mike: Editors fooling around there.
(at the door to the writing room, there's a graffitied picture of Mike)
Mike: You can see someone doodled on my face. That's really funny. (fake laughter)
Kevin: Now, this is really the heart of the whole show.
Mike: This is the heart and soul of it all, right here.
Kevin: The writing room.
Kevin: We watch the TV here, and throw comments at the screen while we're watching whatever movie's on, and we write all our comments down on the computer.
Mike: It's a lot of fun.
Kevin: You can probably catch a comment right now if we look. Here we are. Here's one of the fine jokes that you'll be seeing this season on Mystery Science Theater. "Don't look at my underpants, don't look at my underpants."
Mike: That was handcrafted over a series of weeks.
Kevin: What makes it funny, it's the repetition, the call and response.
Both: Don't look at my underpants.
Mike: Funny, but then add another one.
Kevin: Don't look at my underpants.
Mike: See, then it gets funnier. That's the things you'd learn if you hung around here.
Kevin: So, the writing room at Mystery Science Theater 3000. Now let's take a look at this.
Mike: Best Brains.
Kevin: This is really the heart and the soul of the whole show, even though I said the studio...
Mike: I thought the other part was the heart and the soul.
Kevin: ...was the heart and the soul. I lied about it.
Mike: I thought the writing room was the heart and the soul.
Kevin: Well, there's that, too.
Mike: There's a lot of the hearts and the souls of the place.
Kevin: As you look down these hallways here, you'll see props from all eight seasons of Mystery Science Theater 3000, and a lot of the new props that we're using here at the Sci-Fi Channel are the ones that are closest. The penguin is anohow. Spider monkeys, macaques, lots of simians.
Kevin: It's creamier. It's juicier.
Mary Jo: We have just so more going on.
Mike: Some surprises. If I talk about it, they'd have to kill me.
Kevin: We're going to have a lot of fun with the conventions of science fiction.
Mike: New sets, new lighting, and it's just better.
Paul: I can't get any more specific than that, 'cause I'll give it away.
Mike: There's a whole plot thing going on. Dr. Forrester is explained away. You have to tune in and watch.
Paul: Am I really supposed to answer this question?
Mike: No, I mean, it's inherently better 'cause it's on the Sci-Fi Channel.
Kevin: I don't think we'll ever ever ever ever run out of bad movies.
Jim: The nice thing is that Hollywood makes probably more of those in a given year than they make good ones.
Kevin: Somebody's going to shell out the money and make them, and it'll be our painful duty to look at them and laugh at them and expose them for what they are.
Mary Jo: No, we will never run out of bad movies, because for every one that we've done, we've looked at twenty possibilities.
Paul: We'll never run out of bad movies. If we do, we'll have to get real jobs.
Kevin: Folks, trust us when we say that we're going to bring you the only show on the Science Fiction Channel that has puppets making fun of films. I guarantee that.
Jim: Thanks for watching, we're happy to be home, and we hope to be here for quite a while.