Bit: The First Host Segment

Episode: K00- The Green Slime (unaired pilot)

Transcribed by Leah Biel

(A black screen and space-age sounds [used in the new shows as a background in the host segments] replace the "Love Theme" we've all come to trust)

(Visual Credit fade in): MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE(sic) 3000 (Credit fade out)

(Visual Credit fade in): WITH JOEL HODGSON (Credit and sounds fade out)

(Fade in on an unrecognizable SOL. Joel sits at the table with Crow on his right and Beeper on his left.)

Crow: Do you think they can see us, Joel Hodgson?
Joel: Yeah, Crow, the transmission light is on, isn't it?
Beeper: (Enthusiastically) Beep!
Crow: Joel Hodgson, it's the first time Beeper's been seen by a human being. Uh, present company excluded, that is.
Beeper: Beep!
Joel: Listen, you guys, I'm going for it. People of Earth, I am Joel Hodgson. I am orbiting your planet on a man-made satellite of my own design. Please tell your president I built these robots. They are also of my own design. Also tell him that I don't like his TV shows very much, except for maybe some of the early "Death Valley Days".
Beeper: Beep! Yee-ha! Beep!
Joel: Uh, I present this invention to your planet. It is to aid all races, especially people who are suffering from back and neck and pelvis injuries. It's called the chiropractic helmet. I'll demonstrate.

(From under the table, Joel pulls out the device and puts it on his head. It looks like a bucket with a crank on top and the effect that the user's head is doing 360 degree turns. Crow and Beeper also demonstrate [or try to] their head-twisting talents in response.)

Beeper: (Wildly) Beep!
Joel: Crow, Beeper, you don't understand. The human beings on Earth can't twist their heads around like we can, unless maybe they went to college to study to become ventriloquists dummies or something.
Beeper: (Sadly) Beep.
Joel: What'd he say?
Crow: He said being a human being must be a rush.
Beeper: Beep.
Joel: (Talking over Beeper) Oh, yeah. It is. (Lights flicker)
Beeper: Beep!
Joel: (Talking over Beeper) Hey. Sounds like the theatre's opening up. You guys better get outta here. (Crow and Beeper leave. To Cambot) I'll see you on the other side. (Slaps a set of buttons on the table and leaves)