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Bit: Mike Breaks the Hubble

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie

Transcribed by
(with an assist by Kinlin Slingthrower)


(Mike and the bots are walking to the bridge)

Crow: That Cal fella, what a maroon! Who'd be stupid enough to give him his own laboratory or let him fly a jet?
Tom: I like Joe.
Mike: Yeah, and if it were me flying that baby and I had a low altitude flameout like that, I'd just reduce my elevators, dip the nose and fire up the engines.
Tom: You don't know how to fly!
Mike: Sure I do I'm fully instrument-rated for Microsoft Flight Simulator.
Crow: Well then why don't you fly the Satellite of Love?
Tom: Yeah!
Mike: What this thing? No, I can't do that you see (Tom and Crow start squawking like chickens) there's no air foil so there's no ability to turn when you're up in the... (notices what tom and crow are doing) all right you two. Spread out, spread out.

(On the bridge, Gypsy's at the steering wheel and wearing a sailor's hat)

Gypsy (singing): What do ya do with a drunken sailor, early in the morning! Hay-ho and up she-- (Mike enters)
Mike: Okay out baby, out.
Gypsy: Well don't come crying to me when you get us all killed! (Gypsy leaves.)
Mike: Yeah, right. (Looks at a gauge, which seems extemely easy to understand.) Hey, this is going to be easier then I thought. (Starts up engine and begins driving. Suddenly there is a crash and everyone falls forward.)
Tom: We need some help!
Crow: Hey Mike, you hit something! (rushes to a window) It's the hubble! You killed the hubble!

[ROCKET #9] (shot of the hubble crunched onto the SOL)


Mike: Gypsy, could you please get that--
Gypsy: Uh-Uh. No Way! This is you're dishwashing liquid! You soak in it! (She leaves again.)
Mike: Ah! The manipulator arms! (Mike presses a button and two gloves pop out of the desk and two mechanical arms pop out of the side of the SOL. Mike uses gloves to control arms.)
Tom: Carefully... carefully.
Crow: That's it! That's it!
Tom: It costs 6 billion dollars. Remember that.
Crow: Hope you're insured, Mike! (Mike pauses to wipe some sweat off his forehead causing the arms to rip out some of the Hubble's wires.)
Tom: Don't do that!
Mike: Ahh! Sorry! (Mike finally get the hubble off the ship) Now I'll just release gently like a bird into the night sky.
Crow: Good night, sweet hubble. And a flight of angels sing thou to thy rest. (The Hubble floats momentarily, then plummets and everyone gasps. Mike and the bots watch crash and explode.) Oh good one Mike!
Mike: Well how could it do that? It couldn't possibly... (Movie sign goes off)
Tom: Oh great! And now we have movie sign!
Gypsy: Go on! I'll take care of this. (to cambot) Boys!
Crow and Tom (singing): Mike broke the hubble! Mike broke the hubble!