Bit: The MST3K Oscar Special (partial--now includes "Mrs. Brown" segment)Transcribed by Jim Lauwers with an assist by St. John (William A. Peirson) and springsprite@email.comNote: There are still gaps in this transcript. If you would like to submit material to fill them, please email me. [Outside the SOL, shot not unlike the one in episode 801] (Crow's voice is heard) Crow: Yes, Mr. Vice President. Yes, Mr. Vice President. [Cut to SOL interior. Crow is on the phone, Crow & Tom are wearing Tuxes] Crow: Yes, Mr. Vice President. Absolutely, future-president Gore! Tom: Ask him about my tax refund! Mike: Hey guys, what's going on? Tom: Mike! get your tux on! The Vice President is ordering us by special command, to do an Oscar special! Crow: Funny quips? You got 'em, sir! Glancing blows at the titans of Hollywood? They're built in! (Servo chuckles.) A big musical number at the end featuring synchronized swimming, and Michael Bolton and Madeline Albright riding a monster truck? Can do! Tom: What are you telling him?! Crow: Well, he's the Vice President. What else am I gonna tell him? Mike: Well, you guys are on your own on this one. Tom: But Mike, it was ordered by the Vice President! Mike: So? Crow (into phone): What's that, Mr. Vice President? (To Mike) Uh, Mike, he says if you do it he can wipe that "failure to yeild" off your driving record. (Mike runs off screen at super-speed and runs back on wearing tuxedo matching Crow and Tom's.) Mike: Hit it!! Crow: No! (music starts) Mike (off-tune, generally bad): It's the Aaaaaaaaal Gore command performance Oscar special. We're doing it all for Al Gooore! (Crow & Tom wince.) Crow: Mike! Al says you're upsetting his daughters. Cut it out. Mike: Oh, sorry. Tom: C'mon, Crow, let's rev up this puppy up! Crow: Yeah! Tom: Oscar sign! (All shout likewise and rush off. Cambot heads into the theater. Music starts.) Tom (singing as M&TB enter and take their
seats): Crow (singing): Crow and Tom: It's Oscar time in Hollywood, Tom: Helena Bonham Carter's up the wazoo! Crow: [unintelligible] mutton-chopped Sir Anthony, Tom: Check out Dustin Hoffman's new do! Crow: Sayy! Crow: There's Robin Williams, as Judd Hirsch, Tom: Judy Dench does downtown Julie Brown! Crow: But most of all, there's the nominee for bestanimatedshortfilm, "La Vieille Dame Et Les Pigeons"! Tom: [spoken] We don't have footage! Crow: [spoken] Oh, sorry! Crow and Tom: On the Myst'ry Science, The-a-ter 3,000, Vice Presidential, command performance, Academy of Robots Choice Awards, preview speeeeciaaaaal! (song ends) Mike: Very nice. Stay tuned, when we return, we'll pick this year's best picture. Crow: Phew! I almost got asphyxia singing that title! Tom: Ah, don't worry. We'll shorten it in post-production. Crow: Oh. [cut to commercial] [back inside the theater] Tom: Hello, and welcome back to MST3K's Academy of Robots Choice awards special. Crow? Crow: Thank you. Let's cast off with that unsinkable blockbuster, the movie that's still afloat at theaters, breaking all box office records, yes, it's full steam ahead, you know which one I mean, "Mrs. Brown!" [Clip begins] Mike: Dame Judy Dench is nominated for best actress in this charming tale of Queen Victoria and her faithful horseman. (Victoria and some other people are briefly shown discussing something (no audio) while looking out of a window. They see a man in kilt standing next to a horse.) Crow: Oh no, there's a wind blowing! Tom: Pray he's got weights on the bottom of that skirt. Mike: Ugh. (Cut to another scene with the horseman and Victoria) Crow: This takes place after the death of Victoria's husband, Prince Albert, of "In the can" fame. Horseman: (Scottish accent) I've been considering my position here in court. Mike: (as Victoria) I'll here no talk of positions. Horseman: I have come to the conclusion that, in Your Majesty's best interest, I should resign. Tom: (as horseman/Scotty) My engines can't take it! Victoria: ...I do not accept. Horseman: I had forseen that you would not... But Your Majesty should understand... Crow: (as horseman) Whoops! Ma kilt fell down. Horseman: ...that I will not be changed in this. I leave for Disa- (?) Victoria: (interrupting) The Queen forbids it. Mike: Oh, like you rule the whole countr- Oh, you do. Tom: It's hard to be sexy when you're dressed like Bat Masterson. Victoria: I cannot allow it... Because I cannot live without you. Tom: (as horseman) I've been seeing another elderly queen. Victoria: Without you I cannot find the strength... to be who I must be... Mike: ...A frigid empire-obsessed dowager. Victoria: Please... Tom: (as Victoria) Take off your kilt. (Victoria takes his hand and kisses it.) Tom: (makes raspberry noise while she kisses his hand) Victoria: Promise me you won't let them send me back. Mike: I don't like school, my teacher hates me. (He takes her hand and kisses it for a few seconds.) Tom: (as horseman) Mmm! Ya taste like haggis. Horseman: I promise. [clip ends] Tom: Ah, delightful. Well! Our next offering is "Wings of a Dove." Helena "Bonzo" Bonham-Carter, former drummer for Led Zeppelin, is up for best actress this year. [clip snipped--anybody want to trascribe this section?] Mike: Aah, delicious. Our next film is called "Good Will Hunting," and it's up for every award ever invented. It's a very clever title you guys, 'cause it's about a guy named Will Hunting. Crow: Aaah. Mike: And he's a tortured character, and the other characters in the film help him find the good parts of himself, hence the title "Good Will Hunting." Crow and Tom (not at same time): Good...Will Hunting. yeah. Mike: Yeah, I'm really excited about the Australian re-make, about a guy named "Day Mate" It'll be called "Good Day, Mate." Crow and Tom: Uh-huh...yeah Mike: Very excited, though, about the upcoming film about a guy named "Housekeeping Seal Of Approval..." It'll be calle- Crow (interrupting): Uh, Anyway, Mike, uh, Mike, "Good Will Hunting" was directed by Gus Van Zandt, who I'm sure many people will remember as Mr. Carlin from "The Bob Newhart Show." [clips snipped--anybody want to transcribe this section?] Tom: Ahhh, de-lovely! We'll be right- Mike: Hey, hey, here's one, how 'bout a film about a guy named "King Wenceslaus Lookedout." Crow (sighs): Yep. Mike: Then it'd be "Good King Wenceslaus Looked Out." Crow: Great. Tom: Yeah. Mike: That'd be pretty clever... Crow: Yeah. We'll be right back. [zooms out to "back row silhouette" view] Mike: How about one about a guy named "Hughmore Icecream." Crow: Mike...Mike. Mike: That'd be called "Good Hu-mor Ice Cream." And the list goes on... [cut to commercial] [back to theater, "face to camera" view] Tom: Welcome back to MST3K's Academy of Robots Choice Awards special. Crow: And let's take a look at one of the nominees for best picture. The delightful comedy, "As Good As It Gets." Which stars Jack Nicklaus as a complete jerk. Tom: And Helen Bonhama Hunt who falls in love with him for no apparent reason. Crow: Yes, it's the feel-good hit of the year- Mike: Uh, I suppose this one's about a guy named "As It Gets," huh? Crow: Oh, let's just watch, Mike... Mike: I'm sorry, it just makes me mad, that's all... Tom: I know it does, I know. [clip plays--anybody want to transcribe this section?] Crow: Well, one of the big surprises this year, was that- Mike: Oh, let me guess, a movie about a nice guy called "Golly Miss Molly..." Tom: You wanna lie down for a while, or something? Mike: Nah...I'll be fine... Tom: You sure? Mike: Nah... [more clips snipped--anybody want to transcribe this section?] Crow: Well, sure to walk away with a boatload of awards this year is Titanic. Mike: Yup, it's about a guy named Ty Tanic. Tyrone Tanic. You get it? Isn't that brilliant? Tom: You wanna give it a rest, Mike? Mike: Ah, it's just...... Tom: Anyway, it's a compelling story which introduced us to an obscure footnote in maritime history about a little known ship named 'Titanic'! [clip text transcribed by Zachariah M. Smith.] [Footage of Bill Paxton asking Gloria Stewart questions begins] Crow: Here, former star Bill Paxton leads a daring expedition to book-end the plot, and meets Titanic survivor Lillian Carter. [Old woman picks up mirror] Paxton: These are some of the things we recovered from your stateroom. Mike (as old woman): Why, I used to spank my boyfriend with this! Old Woman: How extraordinary! It looks exactly the same as it did the last time I saw it... Crow (as O.W.): ...in my train case two minutes ago! Old Woman: The reflection's changed a bit... Tom (as O.W.): I'm translucent and papery now! [Old Woman picks up butterfly-style comb] Mike (as O.W.): Oh heavens, it's my superfly fro-pic! Crow (as O.W.): Where the hell's the matching brush you stinking thieves? Tom (as B.P.): It's a bug hunt, man! Bill Paxton: Are you ready to go back to Titanic? Crow (as B.P.): or are you gonna cough up the money? [switches to footage of people boarding the ship] Mike: Escapees from 'My Fair Lady' book passage on the doomed ship in the elaborate "Going Away" scene. [People wave from ship] Crow, Mike and Tom: Goodbye! Arevodaci! Don't forget to write! Sianora, mate! Buh-Bye! See you in St. Louie, screwy! Buh-bye! [Leonardo Decaprio and his swarthy Italian pal exchange pleasantries] Mike: Good bye, Gilbert Grape's brother! Good bye Chicolini! Good bye overworked extras! [shot of ship leaving harbor] Crow: Look out! Iceberg! Just kidding... Mike: Heh. [shot of huge propellers] Tom: Oh, that must be the ship's bathroom fan. Mike: Wow, that's gonna spook the crappies, huh? [The ship begins to leave and more people wave] Crow: Go to America and become cops and butchers and cab drivers! Tom: Some one must of cut one up there. [A smaller ship sails next to the Titanic] Mike: Get out of the passing lane, moron! [cut back to waving people] Crow: The other way! You're going the wrong way!! [cut back to smaller boat] Tom (as s.b.): I launch and nobody cares! [cut to Leo on the bow of the ship with Chicolini] Crow: Leonardo Decaprio is captivating in the role of a young Matt Damon. [cut to the smug-looking captain] Tom (as captain): I'm gonna sink this bitch! [cut back to Leo] Leo: I'm the king of the world! WOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOO!! Mike: Packers! Woooo-Hooo! Crow: I just can't believe there were "woo-hoo" guys on the Titanic. Tom (as Chicolini): Uh, Leonardo, you're right in my- uh, could you back up a little? Uncomfortable. [switch to Kate Winslet's state room. Billy Zane enters] Tom: Billy Zane plays a Ken doll in girly make-up who drools all over the cherubic Kate Winslet in this scene. Billy Zane: I know the [talked over] isn't until next week, but tonight... Mike: ... let it be Lowenbrau. Kate Winslet: Is it a- Billy Zane: Diamond? Yes. Crow: Actually, I was gonna say "donut," actually. Billy Zane: Fifty-six carets to be exact. Tom: Shred them, add the mayonnaise, some raisons, it's great... Billy Zane: It's called "Le Ceur de la Mare". Crow: Core de la Mare", doesn't that mean "The middle of a female horse"? Kate Winslet: It's overwhelming! Tom (as K.W.): I think I'm gonna barf! Billy Zane: We are royalty, Rose... Mike (as B.Z.): God, I'm beautiful, aren't I? If I were gay I'd love me! Billy Zane: You know, there's nothing I couldn't give you... Crow: How about a three-headed goat? Billy Zane: ...There's nothing I would deny you- if you would not deny me. Tom: This is a booty call, isn't it? Crow: Essentially. Billy Zane: Open your heart to me, Rose. Mike: And by heart I mean bloomers. [cut to Kate & Leo dancing below decks with the commoners] Crow: Society dame Kate soon falls for the infant Leonardo and they dance like Minnie Pearl. Tom: Jump back! Kiss myself! [Kate throws shoes to woman] Mike: Take those, anonymous peasant! Crow: Yeah, rather than raising themselves up by their bootstraps, poor people fritter away their time dancing! Tom: Come on, dance like Mr. Green-Jeans! Mike: You know, with all this horn pipe music the ship can't sink fast enough for me! Crow (flatly): Hooray! We welcome the rich people into our midst even as they do not welcome us, and this is a message we must convey. [Leo & Kate spin each other around] Tom: Come on everybody, do the centrifuge! [the footage ends] Mike: But things quickly turn grim as the mighty ship hits an iceberg and before you know it.... Crow, Mike and Tom: No, no, no, no, Mike! Crow: You're gonna give away the surprise ending! Mike: Oh, right, sorry. So, finish your homework, put on your big pants and your Dr. Pepper lip gloss and go down and see Titanic for the 17th time! And we'll be right back with this year's best picture. [Phone in theater rings, Mike picks it up] Mike: 'Ello? [Zoom out to "back row silhouette" view] Mike: Ah, yes Mr. Vice President, yes. What? No, no, yeah, we-we know the ship sinks, sir. We were, uh, just trying to be funny. [Cut to commercial] [SOL] Mike: Hi! Welcome back. You know, there were a handful of nominated films that we--uh, didn't get a chance to see. Crow: Yeah, I mean, what do you think, we have nothing else to do? Jeez! Tom: Right, right. The first one's called "Jackie Brown," directed by that fiery young genius Quentin Crisp. I think it's another film about that queen of England, or something. Let's watch. [Clip starts, women in bikinis, money, guns] Mike: Ooh! Definately not about the queen of England! Next! [next clip starts] Tom: Uh...uhm,uh...something called "Booger Nights?" Crow: No no no, "Boogie Nights." I hear it's a fun-filled movie about life in the 70s! Tom: Oh, good. This should be fun. [Clip continues] Mike: Uh...heh...uhh...you guys? Actually, it's about porn. Tom: Huh? I call it maize. Mike: No, [unintelligible] Tom: Oh, Whatever. Next! [next clip] Mike: Uh, THIS should be great. Woody Allen's "Deconstructing Harry." W. Allen: Yeah, tie me up, I'd like you to hit me a little bit, and give me a [bleep!][bleep!] (M&TB are stunned.) Prostitute: A [bleep!][bleep!], and then hit you. Tom: Wha? [etc.] Crow: Uhh- [etc.] Mike: Uhm... Wow, musta' got hold of Woody's home movies by mistake. [clip stops, "face to camera view"] Crow: Yikes! Mike: phew! Crow: Anyway, also nominated for best film this year is a foreign film. A tender story of the fragile lives of boarding school children in war-torn France, "La Confidential." Mike: Uh, actually, that's uh, that's "L.A. Confidential" it's about cops and corruption in the 1950's, L.A. Crow: So my French is a little rusty. [clip snipped--anybody want to transcribe this section?] Tom: And finally, the moment we've been waiting for. Crow: Tada! Tom: The movie we predict will win best picture, despite it's inconvenient lack of a nomination in said category. Crow: Yeah. Mike: We're talking, of course, about "Starship Troopers," the only film that had the courage to tell the true story of our ongoing war with giant, intelligent insects. Crow: Yeah, let's see Gloria Stewart or Dame Judy Dench try to blast her way through an army of giant bugs. I don't think so. [clip--anybody want to transcribe this section?] Tom: Ahh! So! Starship Troopers it's gonna win everything. It is a lock, I'd bet every cent I owned on it if I were you. Mike: Yeah. It's been a great MST3K Academy of Robots Choice Awards special, but, the speeches ran a little long....[all laugh, nervously] [phone rings] Tom: You wanna grab that Mike? I gotta return the monster truck before the dealer misses it. Crow: Yeah, and I gotta drive Madeline Albright home. Mike: But, I...OK... [picks up phone] [credits play above silhouette of Mike, a clip from "Titanic" plays on left side] Mike: Hello? Oh, hi Mr. Vice President. Uh, the remarks were made over the film clips? Oh, well, it's, well it's kind of our hobby, I guess. I'm sorry if it was annoying...what? Oh, sure, yeah, sure you can give it a try. You see that Titanic clip playin' up there? Give it a shot, just try your best and I'll pass it on to the folks at home. [pause] You-you should probably hurry it up, though, sir, 'cause we're almost out of time. What? Uh-hahaha! That's good one, sir. No, really, sir, I'll pass it on, it's very good. Uh, the Vice President says that "the movie was a titanic success." No, it was, it was good sir, really. Funnier? Well, I-I suppose a remark just a tad more on the edge might...Sir! Well, yeah I know I said that, but I didn't mean obscene! No, I won't pass that on, that was filthy! I-look, y'know what, I'd better hang up now, no, I- yeah, yeah, I know I sound like Bob Newhart right now, but you're changing the subject, and...Oh, and you're probably calling from your office again aren't yo- Sir! Sir, that was even fil-no! I'm hanging up, I'm-that's not funny sir, that's just vile. I'm hanging up. [gets up partially] No. Goodbye. [Mike hangs up phone, leaves theater quickly. Phone starts ringing, credits end.] |