Song: To Earth

Episode: 1013- Diabolik

Transcribed by Tom Kirkpatrick

(with an assist by,,, and


(Mike, Servo and Gypsy are looking through Mike's scrapbook.)

Mike: Hey, and there's me by the giant fiberglass muskie in Hayward, Wisconsin.
Tom: Wow! Mike, I can't wait to see ALL the wonders of your amazing planet!
Mike: Yeah, me neither. Y'know, Crow is gonna love--hey, Crow! Crow? Crow?
Crow: (from behind desk) M-M-Mike, I-I don't wanna go. I-I'm ascared.
Gypsy: I think he wedged himself under the desk!
Tom: Oh, brother. C'mon outta there, ya big lilly-livered scaredy-Earth!
Mike: Hey, c'mon, take it easy. (to Crow, helping him up) What's the matter, little pal?
Crow: W-w-w-well, the Earth is so big, and there's traffic accidents, and all those open spaces, and there's wild pigs ... I wanna stay here.
Mike: Yeah. I thought this might happen, so I wrote a little song, kinda, to help with the jitters. Um, Servo, Gypsy, will you help me out?
Tom: Well, lay on, Cole Porter!
Mike: (introductory speaking-like singing)
I know it's hard to leave
This little satellite of ours,
We've had some fine adventures,
We danced among the stars...

Gypsy (spoken): We did?

and though we're far-out space nuts,
no matter where I roam,
There's just no other planet
Like the planet I called Home.

Tom (spoken): Wisconsin?

(Mike brings out inflatable globe)

Mike: (singing) To Earth!

Tom: (scatting) Yeah, yeah!

Mike: The very birthplace of my birth

Tom: (getting into it) Do de doot do

Mike: The thought of Earth fills me with mirth (laughs)

Tom: Hey, maybe we'll meet Colin Firth!

Mike: That is a possibility. (Tom continues scatting) To see....
The blossoms on an apple tree...

Gypsy: (singing) To wander barefoot by the sea

Tom: (singing cheerfully) and slice your heal upon a broken bottle of Lipton Iced Tea!

Mike: (spoken) C'mon, clam it, Shorty, you're not helping.

Crow: (singing) The Earth's a big and scary place
With wars and crime and death,

Tom: (spoken) It is?

Crow: They listen to Sean Mullens and Alanis Morrisette

Tom: Oh no!

Crow: This satellite has been my home,
I've never known another
Where will I live?
What will I do?
And can I keep my mother?

Mike: Absolutely! (brings out Crow's wire mother)

Crow: (spoken) Mom! (singing) Okay!

Tom: (changing his mind) Oh, no!

Crow: Then it's to Earth we'll go to stay!

Tom: Oh, no no.

Gypsy: (singing) Through sylvan glens we'll romp and play

Crow: Yeah!

Tom: (singing, worried) But what if I get eaten by a dog, or by a manta ray?

Mike, Crow & Gypsy: (singing) Let's go!

Tom: There's so much that we don't know!

Mike, Crow & Gypsy: It's Gypsy, Servo, Mike and Crow!

Tom: I'm scared of water buffalo!

Mike, Crow & Gypsy: Exotic lands we'll come to know

Tom: We'll all get mugged in Chi-ca-go

Mike, Crow & Gypsy: We'll bid this satellite farewell, And then we'll go...To Earth!

Tom: Well, now I think I'd rather stay

Mike, Crow & Gypsy: To Earth!

Tom: I wish to hell you wouldn't say -

All: To Earth!

Crow: (spoken, cheered up about the whole thing) Ha ha! Well, now I can't wait to go! Show me that giant fiberglass muskie!!
Mike: That's the spirit! Hey, Tom, where was that pic- Tom? Tom?
Gypsy: I think he wedged himself under the desk!
Crow: Uh-oh.
Mike: Great. Now I'm gonna have to write a whole new song. (to Cambot) We'll be right back.
Tom: (whimpering) Help!

(Commercial Sign)