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Weekend Discussion Thread: The STOOOPIDest MSTed Movie CharacterIn one of our recent Episode guide comments sections, we were discussing how STOOPID Jimmy from “I Accuse My Parents” was, when alert regular “Littleamishboy” suggested:
Indeed it is. I must begin with John Forsythe in “Kitten with a Whip”–the stupid against which all other stupid must be measured. Other than that, have at it. 80 Replies to “Weekend Discussion Thread: The STOOOPIDest MSTed Movie Character”Commenting at Satellite News
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Alien From LA –
The idiot who spurned Kathy Ireland at the beginning of the film. He couldn’t stand her squeaky voice, you say? Ear plugs, I say!
How about those loathsome guys who played “peeping tom” with their radar in “Attack of the the Eye Creatures?” They were a prime piece of evidence of They Just Didn’t Care.
Or how about Dr. Bill Kortner, who had The Brain That Wouldn’t Die? He was ready to install her on another body when The Monster Who Was The Doc’s Previous Mistakes had to knock and stop him from doing the operation. That and the fact he was so convinced he could pull it off even when Jan In The Pan told him he couldn’t.
or Peter Lawford who thought being in “Angels’ Revenge” would enhance his career?
The blond woman from “Pumaman” who thinks that dinosaurs died out because they forgot to love.
A few that haven’t been mentioned come to mind, but the one that really sticks out is Leonardo da Vinci in Quest of the Delta Knights. His ideas were all bad and selfish, he was outsmarted by someone half his age consistently and he stole all his inventions. I mean, he’s probably not a stupid as the Wizard Whamthool, but I don’t remember learning about him in school. Yay for history!
I’d nominate the woman in the lab who said something like, I just don’t have a precision mind!
What are you doing in the lab then?
Speaking of labs, Paul in Projected man was pretty dim-witted and petulant when it came to dealing with other people.
While I agree that Bix, er, Big Stupid is objectively stupid, I think relative to other characters he was a font of wisdom.
Danny exemplified the axiom a fool and his money are soon parted. Carrie’s instincts were actually right about stinky old Jesse, but way off about Bix. I guess those two characters are technically more innocent, but it really translates as stupidity.
The waitress in Girl in Gold Boots really takes stupidity to the next level. Like Carrie, her dad also likes to slop up a few beers. She even admitted her mom was smart for leaving her dad, so… that reflects poorly on her. Stupid and naive.
Well, there are two and my goodness, I can’t decide between them, There’s “the man” whose spring-hatred brings out the resentful, easily offended, all powerful Coily the Spring Sprite. Facing Coily this man folds easier than a lawn chair facing your Italian Mother-in-laws’ hinder. And then there’s Buzz. Buzz is unable to simply say, “Hi” at school. Mr. B Natural leaps at the chance and molds Buzz’s mind like a fresh can of Play Doh. Buzz is now certain the trumpet can open the door to to the popularity he so craves. Oh, dear Buzz. Hang on to the receipt.
The woman who tears up the picture in King Dinosaur, saying “no one will believe us anyway.” I truly think that’s the stupidest action taken by any MST3K character. There’s no defending it.
I nominate anyone in a Coleman Francis movie. Not just the characters they played but the “actors” for being stupid enough to be in a Coleman Francis movie.
“The heart is a single-cell organ.”
‘Nuff said.
How ’bout Davey from SAN FRANCISCO INTERNATIONAL? How do you accidentally steal a plane?
It takes most people 100s of hours of training to learn to fly a plane yet Davey bypasses that pesky business, not out of great skill or intelligence but precisely because he’s so stupid.
Also, if I was the owner of that plane, I think I’d sue the be-Jesus out of Davey’s parents.
Krankors stupidity was so perfectly summed up with the riff, “HA! You’ve defeated me numerous times in the past. What makes you think you can do it again?” Therefore, the Chicken-Man gets my vote.
I dunno if it’s stupidity or just general ineptitude (ineptness? Ineptability?), but we have to also consider Captain Santa Claus. Spends all his time on the bridge, never has a clue what’s going on, even has to be convinced that a guy who two people *witnessed* being a traitor might actually.. y’know.. be a traitor.
And of course, he inexplicably calls his first officer “Debbie” at one point. Oh, and he put Gristle McThornbody in charge of things. So.. yeah. Your winner, ladies and gentlemen.
Gare
Daddy-o is just as stupid as Jimmy from I Accuse My Parents.
Okay, but he gets a pass for being part of the best 2 lines of dialog in MST3K history.
Why is ‘Stupid’ spelled wrong? I don’t get it.
“Potatoes are what we eat”‘s daughter. Those there may be some argument that their diet is lacking in essential nutrients critical for brain development.
I’m adding Tandra from Samson vs. the Vampire Women to the list of STOOOPID characters. There’s a time sensitive matter of making Diana the Evil One’s bride. However, rather than completing the task, she and her henchmen consider unmasking El Santo to be a higher priority, which leads to not only their demise, but the eventual deaths of Tandra’s fellow female vampires.
It’s not your fault you’re a chunk-head.
I nominate the Lee Van Cleef character from It Conquered the World. He got hoodwinked by a pickle.
Also, his wife was super perceptive and smoking hot and he just ignored her.
STOOOOOOOPID!
Gee, this is a tough one. The whole series was based on stoooopid characters!
Anyway, no one has mentioned Tom from 414 – Tormented. While not the stupidest of the MSTed movie characters, he was just plain dumb to let Vi fall to her death. So what if she exposed their relationship? He was only engaged to be married and working as a jazz pianist, not married with kids and a great career.
…Mitchell!…
[though I’m not sure where Mitchell ends and Joe Don begins]
Not only that, but he could have saved himself some trouble, simply by reporting seeing a woman fall from the lighthouse. It would be chalked up as an accidental death and that would be the end of it. No risk of blackmail by the beatnik boatman.
I might be beating a dead horse, but when our friend Jimmy who blames his parents gets top billing on my list. Amidst legions of idiot decisions and ideas, when our hero finds nothing suspicious about being paid CEO amounts of money to take unmarked packages to out of the way locations in the middle of the night with no paperwork or signatures involved he demonstrates a level of weapons grade stupid that I am truly in awe of.
Close second is our “scientist” in King Dinosaur that destroys the photo. Most movie scientists in this kind of situation risk death in order to preserve their data. This one took a different tack. And then they all set off an atom bomb. Aside from their dangerous proximity to the explosion, why the heck set it off at all? Maybe as a deterrent to any other dinosaurs that might think of bothering them? After all dinosaurs are renowned for their ability to reason.
And unmentioned so far I think is the super duper photojournalist lady in Beginning of the End that can’t be bothered to lift the camera in her lap and take a picture of the unprecedented giant bug attack happening in front of her. Finely honed journalistic instincts on display here.
The judge in Untamed Youth was darn gullible
Phil Collins in Space Mutiny
Over-enunciation guy in Being from Another Planet
Herc was always thick as a slab of gyro meat.
Number 5!
High School Big Shot sure got played by Betty, and he crumbled right away when the teacher questioned him.
Arch Hall Jr. just LOOKS mentally challenged.
Hugo was an ugly, stupid little dummy.
Potato girl was pretty idiotic to be interested in the odious Deathstalker.
Tooby here. I love youuu! Aren’t, Isn’t no Aram Fingal here.
You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune?! “I see some really stupid children being born as a result of these two meeting.”
Everybody else in Warrior of the Lost World who thought Paper Chase Guy was anything special.
Buffalo Bill. Even Emperor Cupcake outwitted him.
Watney.
Fats.
Tor.
Wienie roast guy from What To Do on a Date.
Pumaman, He flies like a mo-ron.
Let us not forgot the most persistent, lovable dunderpates of all. Sweet, floppy Frank and Professor Bobo.
If pure incompetence correlates with stupidity, Sheriff Geronimo would have to be pretty high on the list. The bad guys are constantly escaping his clutches or getting the upper hand on him. He gets knocked out cold almost as easily as Danny in “The Girl In Lover’s Lane”. His one and only investigative technique is to keep going back to that stupid bar and starting fights. He promises to protect the stripper who frees him from the dungeon, and within two minutes she gets her throat slashed in his presence.
Of course, the bad guy in this movie is pretty stupid too. He could have just killed Geronimo many times, but like a Bond villain, he always insisted on waiting to “make it slow”, giving his enemy a chance to escape.
I’m still not sure if the kid who flew the plane he couldn’t land in San Francisco International was indulging an attention getting stunt or a failed suicide attempt. Could be either.
STOOPID! good gawd! The Wild World of Batwoman’s entire CAST is stupid! this movie makes Angel’s Revenge look like G.I. Jane. case in point:
peeping Zorros.
the Ritz Brother waiters giving out little cups of free soup (drugged).
an adult man (a doctor! no less!) offering his guests chocolate milk and macaroons (also drugged).
wildly dancing women brandishing rifles and handguns.
an ATOMIC hearing aid.
“ching chong ching ching!”
the “devil made this movie for you” generic music
M’ehhh… I dunno. I wouldn’t use Forsythe’s character as a benchmark for stupidity. While his character in Kitten was certainly world-class stupid, at least he gets it together and at least tries to take some action on his own behalf towards the end of the picture. On the other hand, Jimmy in I Accuse My Parents is stone-cold rock stupid from start to finish, only managing to avoid epic punishment with the help of Happy Chef and the happy accident of the gun going off and killing Kitty’s skeezy boss.
“Thank God I’m white!” –Joel Robinson.
Bombastic Biscuit Boy makes a solid case for the entire cast of Batwoman being a veritable buffet of stupid — even Batwoman herself, whose costume is horribly impractical and ill-suited for a supposed vigilante crime fighter.
And while we’re talking buffet of stupid, how about those Wild Rebels? Thing is, though, as stupid as they were, they were singlehandedly outclassed by the supposed hero, the failed stock-car racer, whose single “heroic” act is to flash his high-beams at the approaching cops. That’s it.
And don’t even get me started about Eddie Crane. Dude’s running with the Stupid Posse on a one-way expressway to Hell, has an opportunity to break free and hit the big time dropped into his lap, but somehow can’t work up the cajones to dump those losers. Mind you, though, if Eddie and the Stupid Posse were around today, their escapades would be appearing in TMZ every other week and they’d end up with a reality TV deal.
Oh, no ****, Sherlock. That’s another buffet of stupid.
It’s pretty damn sad when you realize that the smartest character in the whole friggin’ picture was the night watchman, f’cripesake.
Y’mean, that woman scientist in Monster A Go-Go? Oh, god, yeah, that gal was off-scale st00pid, man.
Of course all the scientists in Monster A Go-Go were ferociously stupid as well, especially that one clown who, instead of tipping off NASA or the Air Force or whoever, chose instead to keep an irradiated, horribly mutating injured astronaut IN A CLOSET AT THE LABORATORY, f’cripesake.
“I’m only a scientist!” –Crow T. Robot