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Weekend Discussion Thread: Dumbest Statements in MSTed MoviesAlert reader Ken suggests:
Oh, no choice: From “The Amazing Colossal Man”: “…the heart is made up of a single cell for all practical purposes…” What’s your pick? 122 Replies to “Weekend Discussion Thread: Dumbest Statements in MSTed Movies”Commenting at Satellite News
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For me it’s when the scientist in The Deadly mantis is showing off an insect trapped in amber and says ‘The ant inside this amber is at least 90 million years old…,” even though it is very clearly a beetle..
One of my favorite moments, from Night of the Blood Beast: “…some of the earlier snarf farms-” no idea what he’s saying or what it means, and it kills me every time.
And of course, “This is where the fish lives…”
I must second “TIWTFL” as the dumbest line ever in any movie. It is the “I like Santa” of it’s day.
I have to go with Hamlet (sorry Will) who asks Laertes why he attacked him in the graveyard. Maybe the fact that you murdered his father and drove his sister to suicide has something to do with his displeasure.
War of the Colossal Beast has an amazing colossal dumb remark. When they see the huge footprint, and the man estimates that the man who made it would be, ohhh, say, 60 feet tall, Joyce Manning chirps, “Glen was 60 feet tall!” Gosh, honey, thanks for that! We might have thought it was some other 60-foot-tall guy!
I also have to mention another of my favorites, the scientist from The Slime People: “Now, we’ve always known that there are fish in the ocean, haven’t we?” That statement is face-palm worthy.
I like when, in Werewolf”, Dr. Noel states that werewolves take on the characteristics of wolves, such as sleeping “nose to anus”.
Pseudo-science techno-babble always sounds this way to me. Like all the explanations of cold light in the Rocky Jones episodes.
The anti-porn tirade in Sinister Urge is pretty ridiculous too.
Oh, and pretty much the entire script of Wild Wild World of Batwoman.
Good choices so far…..
“Glen was 50 feet tall.” War of the Colossal Beast (I mean Manute Bol reached 7 ftt. 7 inches, so the odds are…)
“Notice the peculiar indentations in their foreheads” This island Earth (Servo even called Ruth on it.)
“They’re shooting back!!'” The Violent Years (when you shoot at cops, they tend to retaliate that way.)
Peter Graves’ weasily attempt to downplay his role in the giant grasshoppers invading Chicago
in beginning of the end:
“I can’t help but feel partially responsible”.
‘the Crawling Eye’ the comen zee here schnell line. i know grammatically it’s probably right, but the way it’s pronounced reminds me of my high school German classes.
the entire script of ‘Hobgoblins.’
‘Slammergirls’ when Joe tells Scalley that he doesn’t speak English in English.
From Track of the Moon Beast: “Moon rock? Oh, wow!”
‘Nuff said.
Baydool: “This is an atlas, there are maps in it.”
Pearl: “Uh yeah… that would be an atlas.”
“I just found out Count Dracula was a f*****.” apropos of nothing.
Here is another from the Deadly Mantis;
In the scene where a collection of scientist and military men are examining the three foot section of a broken off spine and speculating it’s origin, one of the scientist remarks that it is as “sharp as a needle”. It is clearly less sharp than a football and the guys call them on it.
In “20 Million Miles To Earth”, the general explains that a rocket ship has recently returned from Venus.
A reporter asks, “The PLANET Venus?”
NO, the ASHTRAY Venus, ya’ ignoramus!
“He’s got affidavits” (Eddie Deezen referring to the veracity of his friend’s claim of having a “red hot frank”) in Laserblast
King Dinosaur: “It is identical to the tyrannosaurus rex from Earth’s pre-history” over a photo of a goddamn IGUANA
Werewolf has so many:
Dr. Noel: Yanaglachi roughly translated means ‘he who trots about on all fours.’ (As Mike rightly puts it, ‘So, then, any animal.’)
Yuri: I resent violence. (Hmm, you sure seem to enjoy it though.)
Natalie: Do you realize if this is a werewolf, it could be the discovery of the century. (So take that Einstein!)
Joe @16, although that movie was not riffed by MST3K it’s still s funny contribution. Also in that movie they had a pesky Mexican kid named “Pedro”. An Italian kid would be named Pietro or Pietru. That’s white bread America for you.
Melissa Stricklan: “This is where the fish live.” ’nuff said
“Watch out for snakes.”
Some classics from sir Francis:
“Flag on the moon. How did it get there?”
“Families on vacation go east, west, north and south”
“Bay of Pigs”
“Coffee? I like coffee!”
“He ran all the way to hell..
with a penny and a broken cigarette”
“Is that water?” “I think so”
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:
Red Zone Cuba – “She’s been blind, ya know, since her husband got killed in the war.”
From Robot Vs. the Aztec Mummy: “A human robot!” Since it was originally in Spanish, this was presumably a translation error. Or perhaps not.
And because who doesn’t like to give the Bard some grief, Laertes in Hamlet proposing, “To cut his throat in a church.”
Another good one is from Mole People – “In archaeology all things are possible.” (To which Mike responds, “Well not really”)
Come to think of it, most of John Agar’s lines would fit this category.
“Is he real?”
“Yes, he was real. It says so in the book of Genesis. There were giants on the earth in those days – Verse 4, Chapter 32”
Pssst – There is no Genesis 4:32.
“It is everything… and nothing” – from Cave Dwellers
His description of the rear-view mirror thingy makes The Matrix look straightforward.
@27 Well, there is a Genesis 32:4, but that makes no sense in this context either. “He instructed them: “This is what you are to say to my lord Esau: ‘Your servant Jacob says, I have been staying with Laban and have remained there till now.” ???
For a dumb statement, I’ll go with one of my favorite MSTs, Danger!! Death Ray. We are constantly told by the scientist in charge that his invention is to be used “only for peaceful purposes. IT’S A FRIGGIN’ DEATH RAY! What could possible be peaceful about that?!?
P.S. Great WDT, by the way.
From Pumaman – “Dinosaurs became extinct when they forgot how to love each other.” Cringe-worthy every time!
…wounded animal that large isn’t good!
‘Gamera Vs Guiron’ where everyone keeps referring to Earth as a star.
IT’S A PLANET!
to be fair in Japanese “star” and “planet” are pretty much interchangeable. but the translators should have known better
“Nothing bothers some people, not even flying saucers…”
“Fake it.”
“That’s what I’ve BEEN doing, now I’m getting SICK!!!”
“your weapons are useless against me”
“You think you can’t get hurt, Doctor, because this is America? Apple pie and all that jazz!? Well my job is to keep the pie on the table and no-one asks me how I do it!!!”
“What’s wrong with bootblacking we like it VERY MUCH!”
Mine would be when Hercules (Hercules against the Moonmen) shows up after Prince Daris has been shot by an arrow in the chest and Hercules says “Thank goodness I got here in time.”
Um, maybe it would have been better to get there before, the guy was shot with an arrow?
“You see in the dark. You fall like a cat. You are the Pumaman.”
You mean it’s that easy?
Or better yet: “So, dinosaurs became extinct because they no longer knew how to love each other.”, followed by Tony saying he didn’t want “our species” to wind up the same way.
WEREWOLF: “You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune?! Well over my dead bawwwdy…”
LASERBLAST: “Operation Saaaaannnnnddust…”
THE UNEARTHLY: “Time for go to bed!”
“…the heart is made up of a single cell for all practical purposes…”
I was just watching ACM yesterday, and as I always do when watching that episode, when Dr. Wishing Glenn’s Fiancee Would Leave says that, I want to knee the movie in the groin, and snag on it, and give it a power sit-up.
A few other faves:
“If you need any help… my friend here can fly.” — Coleman Francis in Red Zone Cuba.
No backstory on his pal and why he can fly a plane, not even the slightest attempt at exposition, just out of nowhere, “…my friend here can fly.” That’s extra lame, even for a Coleman Francis movie.
Every single word of totally-pulled-out-of-the-writers’-asses science babble in First Spaceship On Venus.
“I like coffee!” –that Joe Meeks guy in Skydivers. I can’t even, man.
Hell, that whole expository flashback at the beginning of Cavé Dwellers is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen in a movie on MST3K. “Not even Tolkien could follow this plot!” –Crow T. Robot.
…and while we’re on the subject of swords’n’sorcery, let’s not forget the classic,
“Potatoes are what we eat!”
Even more cringeworthy than “You do not travel — your mind does”?
Castaneda, he flies like a moron.
@ #29: I believe the death ray was intended as a deterrent. In fact, I’m reasonably sure that the inventor specifically stated that purpose.
Wow, there are so many dumb statements to choose from. I like this exchange between the two lecherous astronomers in “Fire Maidens of Outer Space”, as the traffic goes roaring by inside the planetarium:
“You know, there could be humans on that planet.”
“You’re a scientist! It’s probable, but highly doubtful.”
:-/
“Tonight is dedicated to Uranus!”
“Brrrrrrrrrrng!”-the Phone Imitator from Monster A-Go-Go
As we all know phone ring recordings are expensive and susceptible to copyright laws. Fiscally responsible move to do it yourself. Nobody could tell anyway, and you can use the money you saved to put that great ending on your movie that you always dreamed about.
Who can forget the immortal words of Exeter as he explains the Metalunans: “It’s very much like the insect life on your plant. Larger, of course.”
Well, there’s Fingol getting back in the computer by
“reversing the access code.”
I hope Crow or Servo had Mike slap the movie hard after it succeeded.
Reminds you of Spaceballs secret code of One…Two…Three…Four…Five.