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Weekend Discussion Thread: Dumbest Statements in MSTed MoviesAlert reader Ken suggests:
Oh, no choice: From “The Amazing Colossal Man”: “…the heart is made up of a single cell for all practical purposes…” What’s your pick? 122 Replies to “Weekend Discussion Thread: Dumbest Statements in MSTed Movies”Commenting at Satellite News
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The best ones seem to be covered already, but even though I’m a complete bliss-ninny myself this gem makes me want to just go around punching people:
You know, Captain, every year of my life I grow more and more convinced that the wisest, and the best, is to fix our attention on the good, and the beautiful. If you just take the time to look at it.
—The Phantom Planet
Or maybe Jon Pertwee’s Doctor ” reversing the polarity of the neutron flow” all the time.
Monsters in the hood.
From Escape 2000: “If they’ve seen us, we’ve had it!”
Also, when The Amazing Transparent Man runs out of the bank, no longer amazingly transparent, and the woman asks “What’s the matter?” DUH!
Fugitive Alien II
Rocky: It’s not going to be easy, getting into this place.
Ken: How will we do it?
Rocky: Easy!
OK, that’s true, but it’s gotta be right up there in the list of “Things That Could Possibly Go Very Wrong and Probably Will”! ;-)
I got a couple of words that form a particularly meaningless phrase, one that never fails to annoy me whenever I hear it: “I’M INTERFACED!!!”
…and let’s not forget Akio’s dream of a world without work, or war, or traffic accidents.
Traffic accidents? What was up with that?
Reading through all these made me crack up. :)
Maybe I’ll think of a better one later, but the one I’m thinking now is more a WTF statement than dumb.
In “Hired! 2 Electric Boogaloo”, when Good Salesman tells Jimmy Durante, “I hope you buy your next 10 cars from us.”
(And of course, Joel exclaims, “10 CARS!”).
Um…how long do they think this guy is going to live? Or, more appropriately, just how flimsy are their flippin’ cars?!
“Interfaced”? Is that anything like “sh!tfaced”?
Oh, dear god, that whole friggin’ movie is among the dumbest statements in MSTied movies. The empty fake science babble ranks right up there with First Spaceship On Venus.
The last time I watched Overdrawn, it was like Rock Climbing + Deep Hurting x Hypno-Helio Static Stasis. I might actually give it another shot, though, now.
I admit I had to look up how this line went exactly, but I give you this one from Santa Claus:
“You shall be punished, and instead of red-hot coals, you will eat chocolate ice cream.”
“I cannot, yet I must. How do you calculate that? At what point on the graph do ‘must’ and ‘cannot’ meet? Yet, I must, but I cannot!”
And, of course, the whole “there was no monster” thing.
(It’s probably for the best they never did Plan 9; this entire comments section could probably be a copy of that script…)
“Sometimes there is more truth in legend, than in history.” – The Pumaman
You’ve all listed so many good ones. The only one I can think of right now is this line from The Starfighters.
“Sergeant here is wearing what’s known as a Poopie Suit!”
I mean, the film is a long, tedious, almost documentary-like movie, and then THAT line just comes the hell outta nowhere.
I always hear that like Janice from The Muppets
From ‘The Magic Sword’, “My sword may have lost it’s magic but it’s still a sword!” DUH!!
There is one MST3K movie that I can remember nothing whatsoever from, except for one spectacularly stupid line. A middle-aged man is angry at his teenaged son for hanging around a girl from the wrong side of the tracks. He says to the boy, “I don’t know what you see in her.” The girl is played by Mamie Van Doren. I don’t care how long a man has been middle-aged, I don’t care how much in need of a certain little pill he may be, he KNOWS what his son sees in Mamie Van Doren.
Revenge of the Creature:
The reporter guy says to Helen “Well, my dear girl, everyone knows that when you sleep, the brain stops working.”
Really? Did everyone from the 50’s think that?
In Space Travelers when one astronaut leaves the craft and then a second goes out looking for him and reports “I see someone floating 50ft. below me.” and Servos response, “My guess is that’s the guy you’re looking for.” summed up my own reaction pretty well.
That was from Girls’ Town. Considering that the son plunged to his death while trying to rape Mamie’s sister suggests that the father was worrying about the wrong thing.
Just watched Rifftrax The Guy from Harlem, and the whole “Nobody’s ever seen Big Daddy” followed by a remarkably exact description of him and a repetition of “Nobody’s ever seen him!”
It’s gotta be in This Island Earth when Cal asks Exeter “what about you?” when he’s going to adapt himself back to earths gravity in the conversion tubes when there is clearly an empty third conversion tube for Exeter to use.
“I’ll use the third tube.”
“Oh right, dumb question”
its not a dumb statement but the delivery of it makes my head hurt. From Giant Spider Invasion
“What are we going to do about those DAMN spiders?” –Helga
And for an actual dumb statement the woman in Phantom Planet explaining how/why she counts her heartbeats. The sweaty Hell was that about?
I’ve always enjoyed the fact that the word “Manos” means “hands”, thus translating a certain movie title into “Hands: The Hands of Fate”.
au contraire mon frere, I think that is good advice for every occasion. :-D
In The Black Scorpion, when the disgustingly handsome Carlos Rivas cracks open a volcanic rock on Mara Corday’s pool table and a live scorpion pops out:
“I can’t believe it! Life enduring for all those centuries like this!”
To which Richard Denning replies, “And after all that heat…”
Ya, shoor.
From Werewolf:
“This is abtholootly fathinating”
Devil Fish when Janet Bates is giving her slide show on ancient sharks:
“Approximately 320 years ago, new forms of fish developed, fish with teeth…”
Really? THAT long ago? Amazing. (It’s clear from the context of the rest of her presentation, that the line should have been 320 *million* years ago. Not sure if it’s a dubbing error or if it was actually written that way.)
“Put your hands on the railings. They’e magnetized.”
Uuuuugh!
How about Commando Cody and his people moving at “a lotta miles per minute” towards the moon? Gee, guys, try to be a little accurate – after all, you are traveling to where the moon will be when you get there, right?
But I think I’ll stick with the “one celled heart” of War of the Colossal Beast. Mr BIG really didn’t care about making this movie, did he?
And let’s not forget about the fact that Exeter doesn’t seem to understand how to pronounce “mutant.”
Oops, sorry, that was the first film, “Amazing Colossal Man,” not the second. Don’t say anything.
@ #62: That’s the sort of line that makes more sense (and not quite as stupid) when it’s in context.
@ #69: Well the typical reporter tends to have the same grasp of science that the typical Hollywood screenwriter does (that is, very shaky).
King Dinosaur: “(after ripping up the photograph of the “dinosaur) They’ll never believe us anyway!”
And if your hands were metal that would mean something.
I love how purely derisive that riff is. It’s as close as Nelson ever got to saying “yeah, well **** you too”
Made all the BETTER by that guy’s RANdom intoNAtion. (Now that I type it out that way, it’s apparent that he’s Black Torgo.)
Two personal favorites from other Rifftrax VODs: the shell-shocked guy’s rant about how griffins are real from “Curse of Bigfoot” and the infamous “Van Helsing, assistant to Dr. Frankenstein” from “Frankenstein Island”). (Not to be confused with Aquaman, the love interest in “Jane Eyre”.)
“Randy, is that water down there? My throat’s dry”
Servo: “I’ve seen water before and I’m pretty sure that’s water.”
“Where are we?”
“In a cave, I guess”
Servo: “Randy, do we state the obvious?”
“Everybody HAVE SEX TONIGHT!!!” (Ugh.)
Why is this dumb?
There is the axiom that history is written by the victors. Consider Norman England. History would be written with a slant toward the culture of the conqueror. Legend or myth would be more like oral tradition. Sure it may morph like a game of telephone, be embellished, but truth can connote essence. Fairy tales, for instance, are essentially true in their depictions of human nature even though they are not factual. Falstaff, Faust, Huck Finn, and Atticus Finch are not factual, yet they are true depictions of humanity. (Falstaff again was based on a real person that was embellished)
I agree with Funky Pleasance. There is often more truth in legend than in history.
@64
Why is this dumb?
There is the axiom that history is written by the victors. Consider Norman England. History would be written with a slant toward the culture of the conqueror. Legend or myth would be more like oral tradition. Sure it may morph like a game of telephone, be embellished, but truth can connote essence. Fairy tales, for instance, are essentially true in their depictions of human nature even though they are not factual. Falstaff, Faust, Huck Finn, and Atticus Finch are not factual, yet they are true depictions of humanity. (Falstaff was based on a real person that was, again, embellished)
I agree with Funky Pleasance. There is often more truth in legend than in history.
“Black Torgo” — now THERE’S a movie just waiting to be made and riffed! I expect you all to get on it right away. I highly recommend “The Guy from Harlem” if you need a newer riffing fix. Hilarious. I was dying to find out how the woman with the American accent got to be an African princess/queen/wife of the leader, yet all she says was, “Yeah, that really surprised me too.” Admittedly, the film skips then and we are not treated to the explanation.
That REALLY GREAT but REALLY DUMB line from The Sinister Urge (paraphrasing): “You show me a crime and I’ll show you a picture that could of caused it.”
“A wounded animal that large isn’t good!”
:sarcasm:
Since it’s Catalina Caper week anyway, how about the theme song (and original title) of the movie:
“Never steal anything wet.”
From “Soultaker”. A detective is inspecting the car cash:
Detective: “What are the odds of the car’s doors opening up on impact?”
Crow (perplexed): “Quite good, actually.”
One of those lines that tells you the screenwriter failed their physics class.
When the bad guy in Catalina Caper refuses to tell the hired divers what they’re supposed to be looking for. “How will we know if we found it?” indeed. One of the divers could have had it in his pocket for all he knew.
(Devilfish slams up against the underside of the boat)- “It’s right underneath us!” “I knoooooow!”
(5 minutes of toys flying around Tommy’s room)- “Trumpy! You can do magic things!”
They’re Mut-ANTS, not mutants. They’re mutated ants.
I’m sure it was written by someone that never met a hippie but thought they spoke that way. But what in the Samuel Longhorn Hell was the hippie in LaserBlast trying to say? it was such a tangled mess I can’t identify any actual words in it to quote. Some verbs were present I believe. Perhaps an article or two. I’m certain the word “man” made an appearance.