Mike's Shopping Tips

by Mike Nelson

Greetings! Mike Nelson here! I'm experimenting with using exclamation points at the ends of all of my sentences! It's a comic book technique that I think will work for my particularly dry style of prose!

As the holiday season approaches, I thought I'd share with you some of my shopping tips! First off, get a lot of money! $30,000 should do! Don't skimp! You don't want to be trying to buy Sony on a Realistic budget! Second, buy in quantity! If you're buying your friend a scarf, you might as well go all the way and buy several cases of scarfs! I'd say a pallet load should be enough, 400-500 count! If you buy in bulk, you'll save! I bought my oldest and dearest friend 13 boxes of Wyler's chicken bullion cubes (very heavy!) that were a month away from their expiration date! The Christmas before my girlfriend Ginger left me, I got her 54 boxes of Flav-o-rite Mushrooms, Pieces and Stems! I don't remember what she got me! Some book or something, mushy stuff, hope I didn't look too disappointed!

Buy in bulk for a loved one and cover several Holiday Seasons in one pass! I never need to buy Ginger a present, ever again! Partly because she won't even take my phone calls, but mostly because she can't possibly use up my gift of mushrooms until 2008!

Another technique is to simply feign sickness during the Holidays! You'll get sympathy, plenty of gifts, and you won't have to whittle that $30,000 nut down buying case after case of water chestnuts or pallet loads of pricey soap dishes!


[posted 12/97]

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